How to stop being a people pleaser

During 2020, I spent my free time surfing the explore page of Instagram. The page, for some reason who knows why, decided I was mentally ill. Colorful therapy posts crowded my phone, creeping into my brain on a constant loop. I think that’s when I first learned what a people-pleaser was. While incessantly searching for an answer to what was wrong with me, there fell into my lap the first step to stop being a people-pleaser: realizing you are one.

Step four is saying no, even when that no has consequences.

Step seven is sitting out in the cold and watching people who you thought were your friends play ping-pong, knowing you have to talk to them about how they hurt you. In that crucial place between saying something and swallowing it down, you go back inside.

Step 10 is de-romanticizing the mentality of a people pleaser. This pervasive idea that I was sacrificing my well-being for the common good kept picking at my brain.

Being a people-pleaser is not about the common good, it is about reducing our own anxiety by molding into the environment we are in. In reality, we are often pleasing no one and doing a poor job at managing our own feelings. Once you realize that, it becomes much easier to work towards stopping.

Step 18 is the glaring look from your mother after saying “no” to something you already said you would do.

Step 29 is walking down the middle of the sidewalk, taking each step with confidence like you do not feel guilty about taking up space.

Step 35 is actually feeling step 29.

Step 40 is asking yourself, “what do I want right now?” and in response, an empty echo simply bounces off your gut. I am at step 40. It is a place that my brain does not often utilize so those muscles atrophied long ago.

This title is a bit of a misnomer because I have no idea how to truly stop being a people pleaser. I am so used to defaulting to what I feel like I should do for the sake of others in any given situation that I people-please without even realizing it.

In January, we started rehearsals for “A Raisin in the Sun” where I played the main character’s sister, Beneatha. I mentioned to my best friend Kiersten that I was excited for the show, but I wanted to play the character exactly the way my directors envisioned her.

She told me, without malice, that once I start existing genuinely and not people-pleasing, I will be far less stressed. I was shocked. Without even being asked, the appeasing part of my personality crept into my brain and snatched up my enjoyment.

She was right, by the way, as she often is. I was much calmer when I started playing the character as I saw her. The quality of my acting also improved when I played Beneatha through my own eyes because I was no longer acting from a place of baseless inferences.

So, yes, I do not know how to stop people-pleasing quite yet. I have accepted the possibility that that may always be a part of me, but like the sunshine steadily streams through the window of my cold dingy dorm, I have felt the light that not being a people-pleaser gives me and that motivates me to continue working towards the last step.

I believe there are 104 steps, and once I reach the last one, I will let you know how to get there.