By Chris Carvo
On Entrance, music plays. The singer crosses the threshold to the center stage. The performer’s biography is revealed: he’s a returning contestant. This time he looks prepared; this time he looks confident. It is a make or break chance for this performer. How will he fair with the judges?
Good question. But on Tuesday night, Jan. 31, America’s yearly show “The State of the Union” returned to one of the highest ratings ever. Does this mean that 41.7 million Americans sat in front of their TVs waiting to hear about warrant-lacking surveillance of domestic phone calls? No. It means that viewers sat in front of their TVs and collectively decided they were too lazy to get up and change it.
If you wanted crappy singing followed by crappy politics, then FOX was your channel.
Sarcasm aside, I have to congratulate President Bush’s attempt to make energy efficiency a top priority. Sure it may be hogwash, it may be a desperate last attempt for approval, but c’mon-who doesn’t like energy efficiency? Bush is like a lacking singer who makes up for his deficient singing abilities by choosing an old favorite like “Amazing Grace.” You’re not going to get made fun of for choosing that song.
The judge’s panel (who obviously are there to represent demographics of American culture), seemed pleased. There’s Rep. John Lewis (D-Ga.), the cool and collected black guy who should know all there is to know about social issues, but faith in him wanes after finding out he was the bass player for Journey. Kay Bailey Hutchinson (R-Tx.), the former hot chick who sycophantically agrees, nods and smiles. And then there’s the dry, annoying, and accented ball-breaker: Jim Jeffords (I-Vt.). Of course, you the voter make all final decisions.
Bush started strong with the energy conservation thing. The audience was moving and screaming “Yeah! Alternative modes of energy! Woo!” The judges were smiling and scribbling positive notes, asking thoughtful and meaningful questions. “How do we go about implementing alternative modes of energy since we have relied on foreign oil for decades?”
The energy stopped abruptly. Bush changed expression from a blissful and gay Ricky Martin to a gloomy and somber Neil Young. His right eye squinted, the corner of his mouth replicated a palsy victim and his shoulder’s hunched. The hands started gesticulating wildly from then on in the decrescendo performance.
“Americans are addicted to oil,” said Bush. Okay, so the president plans on curing America’s addiction by cutting off Saudi Arabia and ending our shaky business treaties. It sounds good, but this idea is rather complex, so I will try to articulate the seriousness of the matter using metaphors from an 80’s band break-up. Lead singer Bush wants to fire his keyboard player Saudi. Sure, nobody really needs a keyboard player, and now Bush can replace Saudi with an alternative electric guitar player that shows he’s giving conscious effort to exploring different sounds and changing with the times. The only problem is the keyboard player worships the devil and has a mean streak. Plus, the keyboard player has always written the great songs that Bush’s band is known for. How do you start the song-writing process over again from scratch?
Apparently, Bush will sweep the Saudis under the mat and look internally for solutions. This requires him to pull a David Bowie and go both ways. While continuing to stay a staunch Republican, the opposition to higher fuel efficiency for cars with opposing efforts to impose higher gas tax, Bush also will be shining a more humane Democratic “energy star” light on his administration. Some new plans he’s exploring are improving batteries for hybrid and electrical cars, hydrogen power, ethanol from wood and solar plus wind technologies.
The judges begin tallying their scores, and ask one more question. “Until said technologies are implemented and tested for effectiveness, how do you plan on holding us over for the 25-year layover, so we don’t have to use Saudi oil?”
Bush loosened his tie, licked his lips and stared straight into the cameras. “The administration is going to push to open part of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to drilling.”
The judges don’t look pleased. So, what does the rest of America think?