By Silence Doless

Well, the end of the semester is upon us once again, signaling the traditional campus-wide hysteria as students frantically cram for finals and professors frantically cram in more work. We still have one more push before the semester’s done. It’s much like giving birth, except it doesn’t make babies (thank God). However, it can be just as dangerous, so, this week, it is my privilege to salute our resident protectors here at Hofstra, that diverse and eclectic group that practically serves as each student’s midwife, the men and women of Public Safety!

Come on Public Safety, take a bow!

. . .

Ah, it seems Public Safety is taking a while to respond. Actually, Public Safety is world-renowned for its tardiness. Little-known fact: A Public Safety officer is enrolled in every single class at the University, but have you ever seen one show up? Now that’s what I call late. They can also be rude. One time, I accidentally set off an emergency pole and 20 minutes later, an obese officer casually walked up and started yelling. I tried to explain that it was an accident but he wouldn’t have it.

He said that a Public Safety officer could’ve gotten hurt responding to my emergency. That’s a new one. What if I was getting raped? Apparently it’s more important that a Public Safety officer doesn’t get a hernia from lifting his own butt out of his chair.

Another time I had to be at class in an hour and locked myself out of my room, so I called Public Safety. Bad move. After waiting the obligatory 20 minutes, I saw a Public Safety officer wandering around at the opposite end of the hall. I ran up to him and asked if he was the guy sent to unlock a door.

“Yeah. Yeah I am. Is it you?”

Of course it was me. I had been, consistently, me since I was born, but I imagined he was asking if I was the one locked out.

“What, you didn’t see me?” he continued. “I was just about to leave. Why didn’t you stop me?”

“I just did,” I replied. “I saw you just now, and I stopped you. Now can you open my door?”

“Yeah,” he said, his voice for some reason dripping with sarcasm. He started to move back down the hall, away from my room.

“No, no. My room is this way. It’s 111.”

“Ohh, 111. They said 101.” He glared at me as if I had just played a dirty trick on him.

“No, it’s 111. Come on, this way. No, no; don’t eat that! That’s not food. Okay, Come on boy, this way.”

So like I was saying, I salute the good people at Public Safety who-

“What do you think you’re doing?”

Hey, look everyone, it’s Public Safety! They finally showed up.

“Are you making fun of me?”

Well, you are wearing a clown outfit…

“I was at my nephew’s birthday party!”

Aren’t you supposed to be at work?

“Alright, ‘cuff him boys.”

What? You can’t do that! This is America, we have freedom of speech. You can’t arrest me for satire!

“He’s getting hysterical. He’s probably pregnant.”

That was a joke! Don’t you guys know the different-Ack! Well folks, this certainly isn’t how I wanted the semester to end. Tell my wife I love her…wait, there’s an emergency pole right here.

“Ahhhh!”

Haha! It’s like a magical hernia button! Looks like Public Safety is no match for Silence Doless! Until next semester everyone: Up, up and away!

The Mysterious and outlaw-ish Silence Doless (Andy McCarthy)