By Silence Dude-less
There is a particular group of people that plague this campus-the typical Long Island male. Whatever you want to call them- Dude Guys, Dude Bros, A-holes-they all mean the same thing: a greasy-looking kid with a popped collar, sandals and a haircut that looks like he got hit with a gallon of hair gel right after being electrocuted in a wind tunnel. Also, none of them can speak properly (most likely due to the electrocution). You’ll see them passing others of their kind, loudly proclaiming, “Ayeee! Ohhh! Yooo!” in a feeble attempt to say hello.
A Dude Guy is that kid in class who raises his hand and asks if he misses class because of a hangover, will it still count as an absence? They’re also those kids who yell about “drinking mad beers,” “banging wicked-hot chicks” and, later at night, even “drinking wicked-hot chicks” and “banging mad beer.”
“What’s the big deal?” you may ask. “Sure, they’re a little disgusting around the edges, but what harm can they possibly do?” Oh, I’ll tell you what harm they can do. Dude Guys drop the University’s expectations of all of its students to their level. This is why we can’t have nice things, like pool or ping-pong tables in the dorm lounges for more than a week, working vending machines, interesting classes, etc.
On one occasion, I witnessed an irate Dude Guy jumping up and down on the bumper of a sports car driven by another Dude Guy yelling, “Dude, get outta my freaking car!” The car wasn’t moving, but it was in the middle of the road. Another time I saw two other Dude Guys having a lively conversation about whether or not one had copulated with the other’s girlfriend. It went a little something like this:
“Dude, did you @#$% Katie?”
“Are you serious? I didn’t @#$% Katie, Bro.”
“You’re lying; I know you @#$%ing @#$%ed Katie!”
“I didn’t @#$% Katie, I @#$%ed Brittney!”
“@#$% that, I saw you @#$% Katie!”
“Nah, man, you didn’t see that $@&!. We were at my mom’s house.”
“You dumb-ass, I @#$%ing knew it! You’re a @#$%ing @#$%-up and you @#$%ed Katie!”
“A’ight, fine. I @#$%ed ’em both, you happy?
“Ah, @#$% you.”
There are even a few Dude Guys who think they’re creative. These are the worst kind by far. They’ll come into, let’s say, a writing workshop, spout some drivel about how they’re really amazing at portraying characters in conflict and how much “Saw III” inspired them, and then start reading the worst story ever. Here’s an excerpt:
“Marvin was a cold-blooded killer; in other words, a hit man. He had to be at work in an hour to pop a cap in some trifling fool’s ass, but as he stared at Tammy’s hot, sexy figure, he couldn’t deny his penis.” This is without the spelling and grammatical errors, of course.
The “creative” type is arguably the most egotistical variety. If one is asking you a question, it’s probably so he can reference some crappy thing he’s made. For example, if he asks if you like music, and you reply with a yes (or a no), he’ll whip out his laptop and make you listen to a Beach Boys song he put a hip hop beat over. Dude Guys of this type can also be the biggest of jerks. Just the other night, I went to a Halloween party dressed in a homemade Sgt. Pepper costume, and immediately upon entering, a specific Dude Guy walked up to me and ripped off my shoulder pad. No greeting, no apology. Just walked up, ripped it off and left.
Some people have said that I’m brave (by which they mean crazy) for openly insulting people in these pages.
“Don’t you think some hulking Dude Guy will get offended, find out who you really are and beat you up?” No, not at all; I’m fairly confident Dude Guys can’t read.
The only other group to rival the Dude Guys in sheer mind-numbing stupidity is that of the Dazzles, which encompasses any girl who finds Dude Guys attractive. They’re not called Dazzles because they’re dazzlingly pretty, or blindingly intelligent, but because “Orange-skinned, STD-carrying skank” is too much to say. How did this hellish infestation occur? Where are the roots of this side-ways-hat-wearing disease? Many important scholars point to Hofstra’s inception when our founder, William Hofstra, said the famous words, “Let these hallowed halls be filled with brilliant young minds, eager to learn.” Unfortunately he was drunk at the time and talking to a pigeon; hence Hofstra’s progression to what it is today.
So now you know the problem we face, but what can you, the hair-gel-abhorring Hofstra student, do in the face of such an overwhelming amount of Dude Guys? You can refuse to humor them. If one says something stupid, tell him so. That, or punch him in the face. Either way, just let him know that his behavior is unacceptable. And ladies, the next time one hits on you, remember this column and just say no (preferably with a punch to the face). If the Dude Guys don’t get laid often enough, they just might get so desperate they’ll resort to actual human interaction. After that, Dude Guys could develop real relationships, excel in their chosen area of study (business), and maybe, just maybe, one day, even learn to read.
The Mysterious and outlaw-ish Silence Doless (Andy McCarthy)