Today, as we walked through the student center, we were flanked by minions of the most foul publication on campus, trying to get me to pick up a copy of their latest offering of sub-par humor. We would say its name, but you already know what it is. We was told by someone “in the know,” that they were receiving absurd amounts of money to produce this. Glossy paper, computers, etc. We refused to pick it up, having seen previous issues. We were also not low on toilet paper.

Penises, Hitler and AIDS.

There, you never need to read another issue of “Hofstra’s only intentional humor magazine.” We just summed up the focus of every joke they’ve ever made. Think of some of your own jokes, we bet they’re a lot funnier than the ones being printed at present. Do you have a computer? Fire up MS Paint! Draw anything. Anything at all! That’s what they do. Do you deserve veritable truckloads of money for doing this? No, you don’t.

The most recent issue (we would say this month’s, but it appears that they just print the thing at their leisure) was the “love” issue. Inside, we found lots of bad jokes about homosexuality, rape, homosexuality, S&M, homosexuality, their mascot with a golf club up its rear, homosexuality, and something about a drunk George Washington giving roses and wine to his drum corps Major (by that page, we weren’t even reading the thing anymore, just sort of glancing at the pictures and frowning). We did find a neat coupon for a fictional Will Smith movie, though. That was a plus.

We know what you’re thinking. “Oh, if you didn’t read the whole thing, how can you go around judging it?” Well, we’ve read the first chapters of a lot of Dean Koontz books, and felt no need to waste the time. At least old Dean has cool covers that match things printed by real publishers.

We were recently contacted by the makers of this “magazine” numerous times, in reaction to a Facebook group we created in criticism of their product. In reaction to a parody image we drew (using MS Paint, for the ultimate in authenticity) featuring their mascot, the makers plead “intellectual property” and other such outrages, as if they were exempt from the parody laws they cling to so dearly when they’re making unfunny jokes about Viagra.

Their magazine runs with no real advertisements. Ad-supported publications might not be “funny,” but neither is wasting exorbitant amounts of money on something that just gets thrown away by anyone who isn’t involved in its making.

There is one redeeming factor about this publication, though; its name is extremely accurate. It makes no sense that out of an award-winning news magazine, a campus newspaper, a student-run creative writing showcase, and a collegiate Hustler sans nude photography, that the latter should receive the most funding. “Art” imitates life yet again, and no one’s laughing.

David Beede and Jonathan Solari are junior film students.