By Dani Frank and Rebecca Astheimer
Good day, readers. Sorry if we’re a little sweaty and disgruntled; we’ve spent the last few hours discovering the joys and pleasures of the puppy cam. With 24-hour broadcasting of Shia Inus, things can get pretty steamy. Now, on to less significant topics.
With less than three weeks left of the semester, we’re sure a lot of you are pretty busy attempting to cram in three month’s worth of knowledge within a healthy night accompanied by Adderall, Red Bull, a pinch of crystal meth and the entire Hammer Lab staff dousing you with cold water as you fall asleep at the computer again.
We’re both all too familiar with this situation ourselves (particularly the crystal meth part). Both of us have spent numerous hours camped out in Hammer Lab, armed with a cup of coffee (we know it’s contraband. Shhh.) in one hand and a handful of books (and porn) in the other. So speaking from experience, we’d like to offer you some seasonal study tips in order to get you through the next few weeks ahead.
Tip No. 1: Make a study playlist. We can really hit the books when “Aaron’s Party (Come Get It!)” is playing in the background to set the mood. When it comes to math tests, you can’t go wrong with Lou Bega’s instant classic, “Mambo No. Five” to get you through the work. The Wu-Tang Clan has given many a student As with the “Enter 36 Chambers” album. Sometimes, music helps you focus as long as you choose it ahead of time and make sure that it’s not going to distract you. Burn a Yo-Yo Ma CD and get cracking.
Tip No. 2: Choose your energy methods wisely. Being professional procrastinators ourselves, we have become well acquainted with the various energy supplements out there, and we’d like to share with you our thoughts on a select few.
Red Bull: Everyone who drinks Red Bull seems to consume it on a regular basis. So in order for the Red Bull to have an effect, you have to pound a few of them, and then you’re going to have to invest in a catheter unless you want to pause your way through the entirety of “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It” and your ethics paper for bathroom breaks.
5-Hour Energy: tastes like Biz Marquee’s excess waste, but is surprisingly more effective than you’d expect. And yes, we’re well aware of the commercials on TV that sound like they were recorded in a tin can during the attack on Normandy, but it’s still significantly better than most.
Coffee: can’t go wrong with the coff, but we read somewhere that eating an apple wakes you up more than a cup of coffee does. We actually read that in the University’s academic planner. It works for me every morning, and it’s better for your bones.
Tea: You can order tea if you want to. You can also be moved to tears by Michael Jordan’s acting performance in Space Jam. We’re not here to judge.
Tip No. 3: Take frequent breaks. In the ninth grade, a social studies teacher once told us that your peak of concentration lasts for about 20 minutes. After that, it begins to wane, leaving you in the lands of Facebook, AIM, advice dog and, eventually, mildly offensive pornography. I have no idea if that’s true, but for all intents and purposes, we’re going to assume that it is for the sake of this article. So that being said, when you’re feeling fried and unable to type coherent sentences (sort of like us right now), take a mini-break.
Use this time for stalking, slyly observing what the person next to you is watching on YouTube, eating, snorting, whatever you find necessary. But when you find yourself on the 52nd page of bumper stickers on Facebook, that’s God’s polite way of telling you to get your life back on track and continue that biology research paper.
Tip No. 4: Don’t wear pants when you study.
Tip No. 5: Try to avoid studying with friends. As a rule, study groups are the devil. They sound so enticing-the promise of multiple, studious minds combining together, newly forged friendships and popcorn. But in reality, if your study sessions have been like any of ours in the past four years, it usually turns into kids, a.) complaining about the teacher, then b.) laughing about the teacher’s quirks, c.) gorgeing on food, d.) joking about how hilarious it is that you’re going to be completely unprepared for the test the next day, and e.) being completely unprepared for the test the next day. Unless you have a professor or an extremely assertive, obnoxious person present that’s going to make everyone work, it’s generally a bad idea. Only do study groups if you’re convinced your peers will work and you’ve adequately prepared on your own. And if kettle corn will be served.
So there you have it. Five mediocre tips from your favorite mediocre students (just kidding, we’re Presidential scholars). Use them wisely, like you would a loaded gun.
Anyway, back to the puppy cam. Have a nice week and good luck on finals.
Dani Frank is a sophomore print journalism student. You may e-mail her at [email protected]. Rebecca Astheimer is a sophomore film student. You may e-mail her at