By Dani Frank and Rebecca Astheimer
Hello readers, we see you’re all looking a little beat after last night (justifiably so). Please gather up your morals lying on the floor, and indulge in our latest column installment. Last week we attempted to visit the gym to “be workin’ on our fitness,” Fergie-style. However, we weren’t even able to start our Fergie plan because every machine in the gym was occupied, or broken. Granted, machines break down. We understand, it happened to one of our iPods just the other day. Nevertheless, when there are six (we counted) fitness machines down, out of 25 or so, there’s a problem. Students are paying more tuition than ever before, with Mom and Dad’s checkbook now banging out $23,800 a semester. On top of that, dining services has raised their expenses by 3 percent (thanks, Lackmann), because, naturally, a box of cereal is worth $6. So you’d think with all these rising costs, we could afford at least six working treadmills.
Again, we understand that not every machine at all hours of the day is going to be operating flawlessly (although at these prices, it would be justified). But let us tell you friends, six machines do not all instantaneously break down at the same time. What happens is, one machine breaks down. A few days later another one breaks down. And then a third, etc. In between these dates, there should be repairs made. But when repairs are ignored, everything falls apart, and you’re left with two disgruntled students who write an angry article about their quest for functioning facilities.
If only the neglect stopped at the treadmills. Nope, cut to the laundry room complex, which is competitive enough as is. Now throw in three out of six broken dryers, and a rainy weekend where everyone got their Hollister pants muddy. The laundry room shifts from being a soapy retreat to dry your pants, to a cutthroat war zone complete with lost limbs and a stolen pair of sweatpants (I am still bitter. Give them back.). All this bloodshed is unnecessary; don’t we have mechanics for this very reason?
To get our panties in an even worse bunch, not only do we have to battle fellow residents for machines, but greenhorns from other buildings come sauntering into OUR laundry room to wash their “unmentionables.” Is it really fair that in between the 14 minutes left on that dryer another girl comes from a foreign building to wash her Victoria’s Secret PINK wardrobe and stakes out the machine that was supposed to be mine? We say no. I am sure you take pride in being on the varsity squad at PINK University (as it is quite prestigious), but please relinquish the washing machine and wear a clean hoodie. You don’t need to wear the one with the large dog on it again.
Another one of our facilities that could, and should, be receiving large improvements are the residence halls. We have been blessed by the rooming gods this year to receive a newly furnished triple. Perfect for Tupperware parties. But some of our friends are not as lucky. For example, there are no overhead lights in the Nassau/Suffolk dorms. Now, we know this is not a new problem. But why hasn’t it been changed? Has anyone considered the fact that installing a single fluorescent bulb into the ceiling of a dorm room would eliminate the need to plug in two lamps and a string of beer bottle shaped lights, thus saving the University’s electricity bill and helping to slow global warming? No. No one has. The administration is, presumably, too busy enjoying a Maui Taco eating contest and so full of Mexican surf burrito and burdened by mud butt that they cannot even contemplate such things as lights.
Don’t worry readers, this is just the tip of the iceberg, and we have plenty of ranting to unleash next article. We got lazy here so that’s your concluding paragraph. Fondly yours, Raekwon and Method Man.
If you haven’t noticed, this column is ripe with Wu-Tang references. Because frankly, they’re nuttin’ to f*** with.
Dani Frank is a sophomore print journalism student. You may e-mail her at [email protected]. Rebecca Astheimer is a sophomore film student. You may e-mail her at [email protected].