By Dani Frank and Rebecca Astheimer

Hello, readers, and welcome to the third installment of Two Girls, One Column. This week’s topic for discussion was festively chosen in light of Halloween. Oct. 31 has always been a day characterized by happy memories for the two of us; dressing up, receiving candy, festive decorations, a lot of pumpkins and cider and some hayrides to boot. But as we’ve aged, we’ve noticed pleasant Halloween traditions slowly go down the drain. Instead of warm apple cider and ghost costumes made of sheets, the norm has shifted to a Colt .45 and a naughty nurse getup. Is this what our favorite childhood holiday has become? We’re here to figure that one out.

To begin, let’s start with some history. According to our sources (and by “sources we mean Wikipedia), Halloween originated as a Gaelic celebration that marked the end of the harvest season. The Gaels saw Halloween as a day when there was no border between the deceased and living. To fend off the evil spirits, the Gaels donned masks, lit bonfires, sacrificed animals and indulged in general mayhem. Fast forward 1,000 or so years later, from the Gaels dancing around in bear masks and throwing goats into a fire, to a University student in a naughty stewardess dress (male or female!) vomiting their entire digestive system into a gutter outside of Dizzy’s. Granted, we’re not saying tossing a baby sheep into a fire is a proper form of celebration, but that still doesn’t seem like we’re recognizing the actual holiday in any shape or form whatsoever.

But let’s put the Gaelic traditions aside, because that isn’t probably how you celebrated Halloween when you were six either (if that is how you spent it, e-mail us immediately). Observe how it is celebrated by college students today: girls use it as an excuse to be as revealing or “naughty” as humanly possible, and guys take advantage of the holiday to be so incredibly vulgar and crass that their costumes now have to be censored at costume shops. The tradition is no longer candy, but shots at parties off the chest of the girl in your economics class (all right, we just made that one up, but it probably happens anyway). Do you really want to celebrate Halloween by objectifying yourself? The sad thing is, we’re sure there are plenty of girls who read this, laugh, and say “HELL, YEAH!” Well ladies, enjoy spending the money on your outfits, and read on our sweet, promiscuous friends.

The great thing about your purchase of a naughty maid costume (which, on a side note, is pretty insulting to the woman scrubbing your toilet while you sit on instant messenger for four hours talking about “My Super Sweet Sixteen”), is how useful it is. Now there is $50 well spent! Not only is it cool to be a provocative maid on Halloween, it is great to wear for a casual Friday at work or for grocery shopping or even on Sundays for church. Unfortunately, the naughty maid cannot be repeated two Halloweens in a row, but for the other 364 days of the year, you have a great piece in your wardrobe to bust out for any occasion.

Now, if it does sound like a good time to don your naughty Strawberry Shortcake outfit and get so drunk you pass out, have at it. But please, when you are leaning over at the keg to get some more beer, don’t be surprised if your lack of underwear and short skirt compels a random man to come dry hump you. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

As for us, we have already reserved our Halloween costumes. So for anyone planning on being a naughty Pope or naughty leper, BACK OFF. We were able to locate the only store on Long Island which carries both and you are not to buy either. In reality, though, Halloween has become so misconstrued that it has now evolved into an opportunity to find an everyday, hard-working profession, such as a police officer, and present a skankier version of it. This is insulting to both one’s own dignity and the job that the police officer carries out. Is creativity dead? Does no one desire to Mount Rushmore themselves and be Thomas Jefferson? No, it may not be the most attractive costume, but it is so original and creative that one can be forgiven for not showing miles upon miles of skin. That is how we feel about Halloween. Now please excuse us as we don masks and sacrifice animals to ward off evil spirits.

Dani Frank is a sophomore print journalism student. You may e-mail her at [email protected]. Rebecca Astheimer is a sophomore film student. You may e-mail her at [email protected].