By Patty Kreiser

First of all, happy birthday to me! Yes, my birthday was Oct. 8, but I want more than the stupid “Happy Birthday” on my Facebook wall from people I don’t like or haven’t seen since sophomore year of high school. So I expect all of you to wish me a happy belated 20th birthday. Thank you.

To tell you the truth, I have no idea what to write this week. I mean, I’ve written about getting hit by police cars, how poor of a driver I am, those new jazzy mirror ornaments the University had us put on our cars, how the commuter lot is like a trailer park and my eternal hatred of University squirrels. What else is there to say? It’s not like I’m going to talk about gas prices, because we all know that the subject is overkill and cliché. So what witty remarks do I have left to say to you? I feel like I’ve jumped the shark…for those of you who don’t know what that means, look it up; I’m not your encyclopedia.

I guess I can share a few little vignettes with you just so I can fill up 500-words minimum.

My friend got a new car. Then it was hit in the parking lot. Will the idiot who did the hit-and-run please stand up? Thank you.

I saw a dead cat in the middle of Oak Street. Did Fluffy the University kitty decide to venture off the campus? Message to other University cats: probably not a good idea to cross the road…leave that to the chicken. “Why did the cat cross the road?” “To get crushed by a student’s SUV” just doesn’t have the same ring as a toddler’s punch line.

My brother drove my car. He returned it with a cracked windshield. He says squirrels fell on it. Either he’s a liar or those were some fat squirrels in an all-out brawl.

I had to drive my grandmother to a doctor’s appointment. She decided it would be fun to count how many driving faux-pas I make. She had a senior moment and couldn’t count past 12. Oops.

For the first time in my life at the University, I had to swipe my ID card to get onto campus on a Saturday AFTERNOON. I don’t know if the security was for Jason Mraz (Admit it, he’d make a pretty cool president; instead of press conferences, we could have sing-alongs!) or for the debate. I’d like to think it for Jason Mraz considering neither Barack nor John (or even Sexy Sarah) were yet on campus.

My mom saw the new decal on my car. She asked if Public Safety (or the P-Safe as I like to call them) actually check for them. Well, actually, Public Safety has been checking for the flair! Go P-Safe! Students may still be drunkenly stumbling around campus, but you’ve given out tickets to those delinquents without parking decals. Our national security depends on it.

So by Microsoft Word’s count, that was 505 words. There; I did it. I made my minimum. Maybe next time I’ll actually have a real idea instead of bumbling, random, nonsensical word-vomit.

Patty Kreiser is a sophomore broadcast journalism student. You may e-mail her at [email protected].