By Sara Kay

So here we are. Just a couple months away from seeing who can stand up for what the American people really want, and blahdy-blahdy-blah. It’s time to stop beating around the metaphorical bush and get down to the nitty gritty. For once, it’s the Republicans who have been caught with their pants around their ankles. Sorry, Bill Clinton, the Republicans beat you to the punch this time.

As far as politics go, I can’t really say that I’m a definite anything. Sure, I’m registered with a certain political party and I am aware of the agendas of both parties as well as the hundreds of bumbling idiots who represent those parties. But that’s not what’s important.

What’s important is that in a time when appearances are everything, every move, every word, every breath that anybody takes is being monitored, analyzed, then crudely analyzed by Bill O’Reilly and then incorrectly analyzed by some nimrod on Fox News, the Republicans have managed to do everything wrong, all at once.

People are actually starting to become ashamed of their affiliation. If there were to be a battle royale between the Republican Party and Eddie Van Halen, Eddie would shred them into oblivion, leaving the Republicans on a stage covered in rock-and-roll, blood, sweat and tears.

But let me tell you why.

Sarah Palin. Who are you? Seriously, who the hell are you? I’m not saying that you’re not qualified. But I am saying that you literally came out of nowhere. And not only did you appear from the God-forsaken state of Alaska, but you came carrying giant suitcases of baggage, so large that if you were to take that baggage on a plane, it would be far too big to fit as a carry-on.

My best guess is that Sen. John McCain and President George W. Bush hid in a closet and discussed the best way to shock the American people into a mental and emotional heart attack. McCain would say, “George, isn’t it a great idea to have a woman as my running mate? Don’t you think I’ll get all the women voters by having her on the ticket with me?” And Bush would say, “John, my man, you are a master of strategery.”

The Republican National Convention. The point of these shenanigans is to bring together all the Republicans of the country to look at each other and say: “Look at me, look at me; I have more money than you, look at me.” This convention could have gone off without a hitch, if it wasn’t for a little, well, hitch. Hurricane Gustav. That bastard, how could Gustav do that to them? Couldn’t Mother Nature have waited one damn day before she literally sent out a massive storm to pour down on the Republicans?

Sounds stupid, doesn’t it? Well, you wouldn’t believe what some Republicans believed about Hurricane Gustav. It isn’t fair, they whined. It isn’t fair that the Democrats got to have their convention, and ours got pushed back a day.

It isn’t fair that they always get to play in the sand box at recess and we don’t; we have to wait until they’re done to build our giant sand castles. You know what I have to say to you, Oh masterminds of the Republican Party? Make like Monica Lewinsky and shove it. Then deny everything.

Now before you get your panties in a bunch, this isn’t some sort of political version of a feminist man-bashing. I agree with some of the beliefs of the Republican Party. I also think Bush has the IQ of my left pinky toe. The Democrats have some problems, too.

They have Al Sharpton. They have Joe Lieberman-although he’s about as reliable as a one-party politician as Dick Cheney is at shooting quail, so lumping him with the Democrats is futile. They have John Edwards, who, let’s be honest, should have been sent packing years ago. Then there’s Jesse Jackson. The biggest waste of time this country has ever seen and the one man who openly talked about chopping off Obama’s manhood.

So now, as we all sit around and watch the politicians of this country make fools of themselves, there has to be a certain amount of cautiousness. Conclusions need not be jumped to so quickly. To people who believe that by having Sarah Palin on the Republican ticket female voters all over the world will be flocking to the polls to vote for McCain: I strongly suggest you ask any women you know if they will be won over by simply seeing a female candidate on the ticket.

Chances are they will not only say no, but they will proceed to punch you in the face, tell you you’re a pig and never call you again. Say goodbye to any ounce of intelligence you once had if you assume that the average American female can be won over that easily.

So, to all of you voters out there who are chomping at the bit to get to the polls and vote for who you truly think can represent this country, I’m glad you’ve already made your decision.

As for the rest of us who just don’t know, let’s look at it this way: at least we’re not in France.

Sara Kay is a junior print journalism student. You may e-mail her at [email protected].