By Patty Kreiser
Another school year has come and gone. Thank God. I’d like to take this opportunity to share my final thoughts about the 2007-2008 academic year. I have noticed a lot of things around campus. Here are just a few.
First of all, as much as I adore every single one of God’s creatures on this earth, these University squirrels have got to go. Those cute, little fuzzy things just pop out of nowhere and stand right in front of you. I wonder what they look like as parking lot roadkill. They’ll just sit in a parking spot, munching on an acorn, or whatever they eat, and stare at you, saying, “You gonna hit me, you human in your big car? Bring it on! My squirrel homies are gonna give you rabies!” For the record, yes, I can read squirrels’ minds. It’s a gift. Once Mr. Squirrel leaves my parking spot, I start walking to Dempster Hall. On my way, though, something catches me off guard-did you know that squirrels run in and out of the garbage cans? I saw one just crawl right into the smelly, stinky garbage. To get my revenge on University squirrels, I toss my coffee cup into the garbage can and hear a “ka-thunk.” Sweet! I hit a squirrel! I hope he gets a nice concussion. He may be all cute and cuddly looking, but inside that fuzzy exterior lies mind of a conniving, evil mammal that wishes every University student rabies and other communicable diseases.
University kitty cats, on the other hand, can stay. Who doesn’t get all warm and fuzzy inside when they pass these pretty kitties? I want to take one home and pull the 5-year-old child line, “Mommy, can we keep him?” I don’t know if taking a cat home would be theft though. Does someone keep track of all the cats? Are they vaccinated? I hope so. Otherwise, I definitely caught some disease from Fluffy, the University cat. Well, if I start foaming at the mouth, then you know the cats are diseased.
Second, I have a problem with the unispan. Has anyone else noticed how hard it is to walk on the Unispan? First it’s like climbing a mountain and then, suddenly, you’re falling down at a sharp decline mid-way through the unispan. Seriously, pick an incline. Either make us trod all uphill or downhill, or have a moving walkway like they do at the airport. Wouldn’t that be awesome? Just step on the Unispan and get across Hempstead Turnpike in seconds without wasting any energy you need to reserve for stalking your crush on Facebook. It also goes without saying that the Unispan should someday be a big Slip ‘n’ Slide. If there’s a Facebook group dedicated towards the cause, then one day, I know that the Slip ‘n’ Slide will exist. Think about it: more students would definitely use the Unispan by Oak Street if they knew it was a Slip ‘n’ Slide. Take note, President Rabinowitz-after all, our tuition dollars went towards an unused Unispan, so make it a Slip ‘n’ Slide. It’s the least you could do for us!
Third, why do people have to make their own parking spots? There are lines for a reason! You don’t need to drive up on the curb, nearly hitting a tree, just to park your car. If you don’t leave your house at 6 a.m. to park behind Breslin Hall, don’t even bother coming to the parking lot. You won’t get a spot. So don’t make your own spot. We get up early so we don’t have to make our own spots. You deserve a ticket for your laziness. Wake up earlier! I hope one day that the huge SUV parked in half a spot and half on a curb falls over. Serves you right for wanting to sleep in!
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I must bid you adieu for now. I hope you have enjoyed my random rants about the things that go through my mind. Let’s hope next semester I don’t get hit by police cars or people in huge SUVs. It’s been an eventful semester. I hope you’ve enjoyed laughing at my pain.
You know you love me!
Patty Kreiser is a sophomore broadcast journalism student. You may e-mail her at [email protected].