By Silence Doless

Ever wonder how Hofstra manages to be profitable with student approval ratings lower than those of the Bush administration? Well, wonder no more! Because a giant, top-secret mail delivery bat that was supposed to go to the President’s office ended up at my dorm room: I have the inside scoop!

In the beginning, Hofstra was created as a sub-school of New York University to pander status and reputation to Long Island townies. This rampant townism continues to this day. Then in 1937, Hofstra decided to secede from the tyrannical rule of NYU, forever throwing off the chains of status and reputation.

Hofstra was off and running. Over the next few years the student body grew and grew, but since they were from Long Island, they were all idiots. Even as early as 1950, one could see primitive popped collars and blowouts and, despite the sexual repression at the time, strangely orange-skinned girls staggering around campus in miniskirts hollering, “Do you want to see my boobies?” to anyone who would listen. The Hofstra administration took one look at their intelligence impaired population, thanked their lucky stars and charged them over $30,000 a year.

During the next 50 years, Hofstra grew fat and bloated off the incoming cash, and they occasionally built unispans to keep the public happy. Everything was going great until current Hofstra president Stuart Rabinowitz attended a scholarly, academic party. It was the kind of party where people discuss the virtues of Kant versus Mill as they apply to the current political landscape in Beirut, make pithy remarks about the state of affairs of things like Chardonnay and Czech theater and generally where everyone wears a slightly pained grimace, as if they’re doing everything in their power not to fart. It was there that the president of NYU made fun of president Rabinowitz by insulting Hofstra’s average student GPA (he called them dumbos).

Furious, Rabinowitz tried to yell at the president of NYU, but having failed everything but business, was unable to form a coherent sentence.

Back at Hofstra, Rabinowitz sat on his throne in humiliation. Nobody took his University seriously. All the big kids laughed at him and called him baldy and short stack. Well he’d show them.

So Rabinowitz disguised himself as a Hofstra student (which was easier than you’d think) and mingled on campus to figure out how to save his students’ grades and, simultaneously, his own dignity. Three lines, 16 Heinekens and as many STDs later, Rabinowitz decided to nuke the campus. However, upon sobering (a process that took nearly a week), he realized that destroying the University would severely cripple his salary, which he needed for bragging rights. So he allowed the townies to keep throwing money at him and began enticing kids from outside Long Island to enroll with a few well-placed scholarships to raise the University’s overall GPA.

This worked great, except that everything from the dining facilities to the quality of the professors was based on Long Island student standards, which barely pass for sanitary and intelligent, respectively…and vice versa. So the out-of-state students dropped out like flies, forcing the University to redouble their efforts to bring in intelligent students each year.

And then a giant bat crashed into Rabinowitz’s office, apologized for being late and handed over the top secret documents and a piece of meatloaf before jumping on a motorcycle and careening back to Hell.

And that’s how Hofstra works.

Rabinowitz Update!

The Captain and I had been sailing towards Gibraltar for seven days. We had only been waylaid by six sirens, a couple of one-eyed giants and a whirlpool, but we were still tired.

The weather was nice, though. I could smell him on the wind. We were getting close.