By Simon Sex
Dry humping. If you’re reading this you were probably in seventh grade once, so chances are you know what this is. Just in case you don’t, here’s an explanation of how the whole horribly awkward mess goes down. Next time you’re making out with someone just start rubbing your crotch against their crotch through your jeans and congratulations Romeo you’re dry humping.
It’s like sex, except it hurts and chafes and doesn’t feel anything like sex!
Whenever you ask someone about it, though, the curious thing is that the person always blames the other gender for it. You ask a guy, he says girls are always the ones trying to do it. You ask a girl, and well, after laughing in your face, they always claim it’s the guy. So the question is, who on earth likes this ridiculous form of foreplay?
I sought out to find just what people thought about this inane form of fooling around and figure out if it’s still something people choose to do.
One young man I asked said that he had been dry humped and was almost positive that it was the girl’s idea. When asked if they enjoyed it, apparently no one particularly did. Interesting.
A girl I asked said that anytime someone tries to “pull the move” on her, she immediately puts an end to it. Another girl said it was the guy’s idea, but at the same time she didn’t mind it too much.
A young man I asked gave me a bit more insight into this sexual conundrum.
“This girl I was dating, she was like super religious and like she wouldn’t ever take anything to that next level,” he said. “I mean I would try, but whenever I made a move, to try and move things along, she would just start like, dry humping me. I guess she was into it. I mean, I kinda was too, until I like cut myself up on my jeans zipper once. Yeah, it really, really sucked, come to think about it.”
In thinking about it, dry humping does seem to make a bit more sense than going right to anal to get around the Bible.
Apparently, the whole thing isn’t as dead and gone at this age as we thought. Maybe for some, it’s just a miscommunication about who likes it. For others it’s a way around some sexual reservations. Whatever it is, it still exists.
The not-so-sexy foe comes in many forms, whether you call it grinding, rubbing or some third thing that doesn’t hide how pointless the whole fiasco is. Dry humping, the word most common for it is just as redundant.
“Wait, dry humping? If it were called wet humping, it would just be sex,” said one of the more promiscuous interviewee said.
In the end though, dry humping has its place. It made every eighth grade dance a little more exciting. But these days, now that Eiffel 65 isn’t humming gently in the background, keep your jeans away from your partner’s. Nostalgia has its place, just not in the bedroom/dorm room/bathroom/back of a transit bus/ or wherever else you choose to fool around.
My advice is don’t. There are plenty of other ways to be intimate with your significant other than friction between two pairs of pants. Perhaps, try a nice handshake? It’s just as erotic.