By Anna Aphrodesia

“It was the best hook-up I’ve had in a long time,” I exclaimed to my best friend over the phone. “And when he was done, I walked out.”

She was impressed. Not because of the hookup itself, but because of the fact that I had walked away.

I, on the other hand, was still waiting to feel a similar sense of satisfaction.

To recap the events leading up to my exit, I spent a hot second of last semester hooking up with a very toxic guy.

It started out innocently enough with shameless flirting and harmless texts that eventually lead up to a great hook-up. But, it was not as simple as it seemed.

Eventually I woke up to the reality of the situation. I was not the only one in the picture and what’s more, if it came down to choosing, I was second choice.

It goes without saying that I knew this had to end, but I made excuses.

Living in the age of open relationships, hook-ups and f***-buddies, detachment is second-nature for many, myself included. My friends and I often joke about the nausea that hits when dealing with commitment, kissing in public and any other form of attachment.

So what is so wrong with living up the no-strings-attached mentality?

Even though I had developed feelings for this toxic guy, I could push them aside. I swore off any kind of couple-y activities. No more flirting, texts, random visits or sleep overs. It would be strictly a hook-up.

I wouldn’t fool myself into believing that this situation anything more than a hook-up. If he would use me, I would use him right back. Two can play at this game. I would be the one who leaves when everything is done, not the one who’s left behind.

At the time, this sounded like great logic. I truly believed I would feel completely satisfied.

Once the opportunity presented itself, something told me not to take it. But, following my incredible logic, I made the mistake of caving in and trying to gain the upper hand.

Like before, the hook-up was great. But, it took a lot to get out of bed that night and not nestle into the idea of this fake relationship and the hope that it could be more.

As I got up and gathered my things, I waited for it to hit me. I continued to wait as I walked back to my room and got into my bed. Even as I write this now, I find myself waiting.

Ultimately, the wave of satisfaction never came. No matter how empowered I thought I felt while walking out the door, I never got the satisfaction I had anticipated.

My perfect logic was perfectly flawed. I was only fooling myself and cheating myself out of how I was feeling. I realized that the no-strings-attached hook-up does not work once you have feelings for someone. You can’t go back.