By Stephanie Caruso
2-1 Car bomb defined: The term “Car Bomb” is often used to describe an act involving two people partaking in a relationship that is blossoming, ending or has failed. The car bomber in question is a third-party participant wanting to make the aforementioned interaction as uncomfortable as possible. The car bomber seeks out his/her ideal opportunity, makes a statement knowing the awkwardness that it will bring and walks away to allow the awkwardness to bubble and explode all over the moment.
In the good old days car bombers were like James Bond villains who wired up ignitions so that cars exploded whenever they were turned on. It made for a great explosion, but it was never accurate or timely. Now we’re in more sophisticated times when we can make cars explode with remote controls. No need to hurt ourselves, we can walk away and be shielded from the fiery inferno our handiwork creates.
The Car Bomber is perhaps the worst model in the Love War because it can often be the most hurtful. A dear friend of mine, whom I call Binny because she is my own personal Osama Bin Laden, is a particular master at this. Binny likes everyone to know that she’s in control of the situation and that she can make it uncomfortable in a moment’s notice.
Now, a perhaps strange but present trait about myself is that I have a hard time admitting feelings toward other people. Odd, I know, but it is what it is. Binny is all too aware of this trait and loves to play with it. One particular brilliant moment that stands out was over dinner with a guy who I knew had feelings for another girl. I couldn’t help myself and was desperately trying to get over it. In a fun game I like to call “Guess the Prospect,” dear Binny described this gentleman in question to a tee. It was pure joy to see the “uncomfortableness” rise not only from myself, but from him as well.
Another blessed sighting was watching Binny walk away as she left the two of us together as the awkward bomb exploded. Again I realized that this inability to just come out and admit feelings is an odd trait, but I’ve chalked it up to a self-esteem issue and moved on accordingly.
2-2Trojan horse defined: The term “Trojan Horse” is used to describe a member of a relationship who sneaks into one’s life under the false pretense of perfection. The Trojan Horse becomes involved, sometimes worshiped, and eventually releases the army of Greek warriors that make up flaws he/she is hiding inside. These flaws are often deemed “deal breakers” and leave a path of destruction followed by deep depression.
The Greeks were tricky bastards. They hid inside that gigantic horse and tricked the poor Trojans into believing they were receiving happiness. No. The Trojans did not get happiness. What they got was a whole slew of falsities.
Too many people have turned out to be Trojan Horses in my life. People give the appearance of being normal, but close inspection proves that they are quite the opposite. There was the nice guy who started talking to me in class and asked me to lunch. Find out for yourself: he can be seen roaming around campus on his way to this planned lunch singing Boyz II Men to no one but himself. If you’re interested, he ended up having lunch that day with, funny enough, no one but himself.
My friend Nancy got the worst of the Greek attack. To be fair, we all were transfixed by the Trojan Horse before us. He was what she always looks for in a guy-the indie type who dresses in black and looks as if he has many angsty feelings he needs to write down. He told her how much he liked her, but always had a “whatever” attitude about him.
It was the “whatever” attitude that proved to be his inner Greek army. He was so “whatever” about life that it started to become a serious problem. Of course, he was “whatever” about calling her back. But then it led to being “whatever” about paying rent. His attitude was a deal-breaker in the greatest sense of the word.
2-3Guerrilla warfare defined: “Guerrilla Warfare” occurs during the special and tricky pre-relationship time. This is when each involved party is on guard 24/7, always wanting to look beautifully at ease in the chance of an unplanned encounter. Ideal situations would allow for a small knowledge of schedule. In Guerrilla Warfare, there is no rhyme or reason to a person’s pop-ins. They attack from anywhere at anytime.
The bloody Brits knew what they were doing when they took on the pesky Americans. They had plans and centuries of preparation. The Americans were essentially a village gang. The Redcoats should have been able to take down the powerless Patriots, but they couldn’t. The guerrilla warfare got to them. Those Readcoats were just too easy to spot when hiding behind the trees.
In a moment of personal satisfaction, my dear friend Binny finally had her turn with the battle of love. She found it in Charlie, the non-committer, non-believer, essentially soulless, Patriot. There was no telling when or where he would be. They were seeing each other, but they weren’t technically together. The whole thing was really just unnecessarily complicated.
Charlie would tell her he was going home for the weekend and she would brave going out in public a little less kempt than one really should be. Together, we would go to the library, bury ourselves in books, and jump out of our chairs as we looked up to see Charlie standing before us. With a blink of an eye he would be gone, not to be seen for about a week when the process would regrettably happen again. Poor Binny was vigilantly on her guard, but the bright red coat was always an easy target.
The ‘Trojan Horse’ is someone who seems perfect at first, but has a deal-breaking flaw that leads to the destruction of a relationship. (armchairgeneral.com)