By Jillian Sorgini

Guy on unispan:So during orientation, she asked to sleep in my bed and then when I said no, she asked my roommate. Weirdo.

On the unispan:Girl #1: Where is she going?Girl #2: Portugal. I don’t know WHO would want to go to South America.

In class:Girl: He deserves to die a slow and painful death. Oh well, you can’t have everything.Guy: Remind me never to get on your bad side.

Girl on campus:I don’t know what’s bigger-her ego or her butt!

Girl on the phone:Don’t take my shoes! They’re prettier than you.

Guy at the gym: I haven’t been able to get to the gym. I’ve been having too much sex lately. I’ve been doing it almost four times a day. If I stopped doing it just once a day, maybe I could make it to the gym more often.

Professor in class: Shut up and listen to me. It’s not like you’re going to learn anything from each other.

At American Kitchen in Student Center:Guy: Is it possible to return this?Lackmann employee: Why you want to return it?Guy: Well, I just saw the shrimp scampi over there and I want that instead.

Girl in class:Do we really need the letter “x” in the alphabet?

On campus:Girl #1: I hooked up with a frat boy. I think I should get tested for STDs.Girl #2: That’s icky-and not the good kind of icky, but the icky kind of icky.

In an English class:What’s wrong with not believing in something? I don’t believe in English and I’m still here.

Professor in class:Monkeys can’t concentrate for too long. It’s like the have A.D.D. or something.

Professor in class:Old people are sad. They have very little life left in them.

In class:Girl: There’s Channing Tatum without a shirt on. I mean where can you go wrong?Professor: I think that’s an important question for your generation.

Guy on unispan:That girl is the love of my life. I f***ing hate her.