By Collin Kornfeind
For the last two years, I have written film reviews and criticism for The Chronicle. This is my first film bashing, written originally as a Facebook note, which was requested to be edited for publication. If you hated “Juno” as much as I did, enjoy. If you enjoyed “Juno,” God bless you.
1 Juno MacGuff. Am I really supposed to believe that a 16-year-old, middle-class, suburban, white girl who is somehow versed in references to “Thundercats” (a TV show from the mid-1980s), Iggy Pop and 1970s horror films exists? And that someone who is played-off as “witty” and “smart,” gets pregnant from someone in her high school garage band? Unprotected? Out of boredom? Sober?!
2 The soundtrack. First and foremost, scores are supposed to accompany a film, either with the film’s visual, aesthetic mood or creating a mood of its own, and not distracting the audience completely from the action taking place in said film. “Juno’s” soundtrack is quirky, freak-folk with childish, incoherent lyrics. Since there is nothing particularly quirky about “Juno” (both the film and the character, unless you consider Tic-Tacs and hamburger phones quirky), I can only assume that the music is trying to create a mood of quirkiness but, in doing so, tears the viewer away from the narrative of the film and, instead, focuses on the (non-) narrative of the song, like stabbing you in the ear with a pencil while you’re trying to figure out why the smell of the abortionist’s office made this “smart” girl change her mind about scrambling her embryo’s brains after she was so sure of doing so just seconds before.
3 The film’s “genre.” More importantly, what the hell does this movie want to be? Midway through the film, “Juno” stops being a this-dialogue-is-so-witty-because-cynical-hipster-kids-are-saying-it “comedy” about a senseless girl giving her baby to a WASPish couple with her nuanced family of non-participants in the wings to being a love drama between a young couple and a slightly older couple to being a hormone-fest between a kid who wants to be older and an adult who wants to be younger. And then a baby is born. (Sorry if I just ruined the film for anyone who hasn’t yet seen this dumpster of cinema. She has the baby-big shocker.)
4 Ellen Page. Sure she’s cute, but when she opens her mouth in this film it’s like a cliché tornado storming through a trailer park of sense. I don’t believe her character exists…Anywhere! This is not against her attempt to make Juno, the character, believable; it’s the failure of the script.
5 Which brings us to point five: Diablo Cody. She was a stripper before she decided to be a screenwriter. ‘Nuff said.
6 Michael Cera. Where was his movie? As love interest to Juno and father to the illegitimate child, Paulie Bleeker has the most dramatic and believable character in the film. But, he is merely a footnote in “Juno” until the miraculous realization in the final scenes that he’s actually a person. Feeling neglected, unloved, confused, impregnating the girl he loves who just wants to throw/give away their child, he respectfully keeps his distance out of fear of her hating him if he got closer. That’s a brilliant character. The movie should’ve been called “Bleeker.”
7 References. Any film that makes spoken references to other films or music in order to create traits in its characters is cheap and easy. And “Juno” is filled with them: Woody Allen, Sonic Youth, Dario Argento, “The Bone Collector,” “The Blair Witch Project,” Iggy Pop, et al. Screenwriters (and apparently strippers) love films and music. So, randomly throwing in dialogue about what the characters like to watch or to listen to is cutting corners in character development and doesn’t make us care or allow us to figure out who they are. It’s the same as when Nick Cage says in “Con Air,” “I’m gonna save the day.” Of course you are, idiot, you don’t need to pretend the audience consists mostly of drooling morons in order to figure that out.
8 Jason Reitman. The guy should know by now that he can do better than his father, but he needs to start directing like it. “Thank You For Smoking” was a great, actually witty film. What happened?
9 J. K. Simmons. The guy rules. As Mac MacGuff, he, by far, has the funniest character in the film. It’s time for him to stop succumbing to favors that directors of previous films ask of him because no one should have to sit through another 90 minutes of utter garbage just for it to be speckled by 10 minutes of Simmons and his comedic glory.
10 Voiceover. It’s a tried technique of the screenwriter to use voiceover to reveal the thoughts of the characters beyond what acting or budgets allow (e.g. “Mala Noche,” “Adaptation,” any 1940-50s noir). Also, it can bring insight to untold stories of the characters and their relationships (“Y Tú Mama También,” “Fight Club”). “Juno” does neither and can be described as infrequent at best. It just fills the boring gaps between overdone, pretentious dialogue and terribly distracting folk songs, revealing nothing new and adding zero humor.
In closing, this pile of steaming garbage is about as “original” as it is believable or funny. Here are just a few other films that deal with teen pregnancy: “Fast Times at Ridgemont High,” “The Heart of the Game,” “Coal Miner’s Daughter,” “Quinceañera,” “Saved!,” “Paradise Lost,” “Bully,” “The Education of Shelby Knox,” “Lean on Me,” “Sugar and Spice,” “The Blue Lagoon,” “Coach Carter,” “Palindromes,” “Riding in Cars with Boys,” “Another Day in Paradise,” “Ken Park,” “On the Outs, Summer School,” “Stephanie Daley,” etc.
Finally, everyone should collectively stop referring to this film as a gem; a stamp such as that should only be applied to films which no one has heard of and even fewer have seen. “Juno” is currently No. 6 at the box office, has somehow stolen $110-million from the pockets of unsuspecting movie-goers and is nominated for a Best Picture Academy Award. I give up.
(allmoviephoto.com)