Dear Mia,
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. At first, everything was going great until his ex-girlfriend moved back into town. It started with a text message from her while we were on a date. He looked at his phone, read the message and then began texting back. This is something he never does while we are together. He even said that he thought that people who texted while they were in someone else’s presence were rude. I thought that maybe something had happened to a family member, so I asked him if everything was alright. That’s when he told me that she was back in town. He said that she had been back for two weeks! Why didn’t he tell me about her? Anyway, I didn’t say anything about it. The next week he called me and told me that he wouldn’t be able to see me this weekend because her mother asked him to help her move into her new apartment and he couldn’t tell her no. I tried to act like the whole thing didn’t freak me out. I offered to go with him and help with the move. Guess what he said? “That’s okay, Baby. It’s just going to be me and some of the guys lifting a lot of heavy stuff! You won’t have any fun. I’ll see you next week.” Mia, he said he’ll see me next week! Please help me Mia. I don’t know what is going on. I feel like I am living someone else’s life. How can everything change so quickly? Love sucks!
Sincerely,
Backburner
Hi Backburner,
A lot of relationship issues stem from the return or continued presence of an ex. This isn’t necessarily something to worry about in most cases; people often have trouble letting go of the past, regardless of how good the present may be. A lot of the time, the ex is simply a friend that needs that extra push in order to disappear completely.
In your case, I’m of the mind that this ex is another deal entirely. You said that the first text message came while you were on a date, meaning he broke the intimacy of a private moment between the two of you to pay attention to her. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but actions like that are never a good sign. Additionally, it’s an action he’s never done before and said that he is opposed to. This means that however he feels about her is strong enough to make him act out of character.
The fact that he then cancelled plans with you to go help out his ex, only serve to make my opinion of the situation worse. Also, the fact that her mother called him indicates that their relationship is still close enough for her mother to take notice. I don’t want to flat out say he’s cheating on you with her, but it’s rather obvious to me that he’s got feelings for her, otherwise, it’s unlikely that he’d feel obligated to go to her aid for something as trivial as moving a few boxes.
You can try to talk to him. A good way to approach the subject doesn’t involve a direct accusation. Instead of asking him why he’s running around with “her”, tell him that you feel uncomfortable with the fact that she’s back in his life. It’s a good sign that he at least told you that she was texting him that night, he could have lied to you about it but chose not to. Keep the communication lines open, and watch what he does. If he continues to see her knowing that you don’t like it, or if he continues to cancel on you or text her over dinner, then you may want to consider moving on.
Xoxo
Mia