By Patty Kreiser
Changing lanes without signaling: bad. Ignoring stop signs: not good. Cutting off other drivers: also bad. Speeding: ditto.
Any licensed driver should be aware of these simple concepts. So why do so many people think they’re above the rules? I’ve decided to identify the worst types of drivers in New York. In my short time on the road, I’ve come to place poor drivers into several categories.
Let’s start with No. 5: Floridians. I know first-hand how awful these people drive; my aunt, uncle and cousins are Floridian drivers. They drive slower than my grandmother can walk. Alright, maybe that’s an exaggeration. How about this: they drive at the pace my grandmother runs (except she can’t run, so maybe that comparison doesn’t work). Since neither of my comparisons work, let’s just say that Floridians drive too slow for the New York lifestyle. Long Island may not be as face-paced as the Big Apple, but we do break 20 miles per hour on the speedometer.
Next are teenage boys. You know the type-the 17-year-old high school senior who just got his license and get to take the car out for a spin only to return with a broken headlight and soda spilled all over the radio preset buttons. They play rap music at full volume with the windows down, race down the streets at NASCAR speeds and get impatient at red lights. I made the stupid mistake of getting in a car with one of them. I’ve never feared for my life more than being in a car with this kid. And they love to race each other (think Nick Hogan). It’s no wonder teenage boys have the highest insurance rates; they put their fellow drivers’ lives in constant danger.
The bronze medal goes to people who drive high-end cars. Yes, I’m talking to you, Mr. 50-Year-Old-Balding Man-Having-a-Mid-life-Crisis. The moment you purchased that BMW convertible, you became part of the automobile elite. And once that happens, you feel like you own the road and are entitled to break the rules. Who cares if you don’t signal your turns or cut off the poor sap driving a dilapidated 1996 Hyundai Accent? You own the road. You bought the crème-de-la-crème of motor vehicles. You, my friend, are so much better than those lowly idiots driving their moderately priced cars. You can blow stop signs without repercussions. You can even cut to the front of the line at the gas station for your premium octane gasoline. But just know this Mr. Midlife Crisis: you may have gained a fancy car, but you’re still losing your hair.
It was a tough choice between the first and second place spots. After contemplating for about 30 seconds, I made the call. Second place goes to the soccer mom. There are two sub-categories of the soccer mom. There’s the minivan soccer mom and the SUV soccer mom. Of course, the soccer mom’s kid doesn’t necessarily have to play soccer to earn her the “soccer mom” title. She could be a hockey mom, or a ballet mom or a football mom. It’s just the title we give to the overbearing, over-involved mothers who constantly dote upon their obese kids, thinking their brat is a gift to God’s green earth. So let’s discuss subtype one: the minivan mom. I hate these mothers. They drive all over the place in their 10-miles-a-gallon battle wagon. You can’t see around them, they hog up both lanes so you can’t pass them, and there’s so much crap in the car they block the back window so you can’t even flip them the bird.
What separates the minivan mom from the SUV mom? Well, the SUV mom is a newer generation. Their kids are under 10 years old. They barrel down the roads with complete disregard to other drivers, even their own kind. They’re vicious, every mom fends for herself. The higher seating makes the soccer mom feel dominant. Her car won’t have a scratch when she cuts you off; you’ll be stuck with a dent and a broken headlight. Mothers claim they need SUVs because they’re safe. Well, guess what: a Volvo has just as many safety features. But these two subtypes have something in common: they don’t care who’s on the road when they pull out of a parking spot. They’ll push you over into the next lane or into oncoming traffic because they need to get their stupid kids to their next activity.
But the No. 1 spot belongs to a group of drivers we all despise. They’re the ones straddling two lanes with the left turn blinker on for six miles on the way to IHOP. Yes, I’m talking about old people. They drive those huge Cadillac cars at three miles an hour, swerving from lane to lane and running red lights. They forget which pedal is to accelerate and which one is the brake. They go in reverse thinking they’re in drive. I know it’s senility that causes poor driving skills, but for the love of God PLEASE STOP DRIVING!
I’m sick and tired of dodging your boat-mobile while you drive along thinking everything’s fine and dandy. Your cataracts and slow reflexes endanger everyone on the road. My four-year-old neighbor could drive better than you, and she can’t even reach the pedals!
Now, I know if people think in terms of racial stereotypes, the list would be different. But I don’t blame race for poor driving skills. I blame personality, age, gender, residency and vehicle class. But remember: one day you may be in one of these categories. I just hope I don’t become the soccer mom.
Patty Kreiser is a junior broadcast journalism student. You may e-mail her at