By Patty Kreiser
I’ve got a lot of ground to cover and not much space to do it, so let’s forgo my usual catchy intro and dive right into what I have to say, capiche? (I’m not Italian, so I probably didn’t use that in the right context, but whatever.)
First off, what happened to our cars? They used to be loaded with catchy phrases, ideas, insults and vanity. Sure, driving around Long Island, you see the soccer moms with “My Kid’s Student of the Month at (Insert Generic Long Island Elementary School Name Here)” or “My Kid’s an All-Star at (Insert Institution Here)” stickers, but it’s been a long time since I’ve seen a sticker that actually gets my attention or is for a worthwhile cause.
Bumper stickers express our opinions of politics, religion or morals. They’re not supposed to praise your stupid, obese child who needs constant praise.
But I also miss being insulted on the road. When I drive, I like to be distracted by people cursing me out or calling me stupid. I miss being told to f**k myself if I hate someone’s driving. Now people need to give me the finger. How rude!
And no longer do we see “Save the Whales” or “I Support (Insert Cause Here).” Instead of showing our support on our cars, it’s moved to those ugly bracelets. You pay a dollar for a rubber band and get to feel good about yourself. It all started with Lance Armstrong’s “Livestrong” bracelets. Not to be mean, but I blame Lance Armstrong for the loss of flair on our motor vehicles. Now we wear our support for tsunami relief and cancer research on our wrists rather than show it off driving down the Meadowbrook Parkway.
I, personally, run for rabies, a disease that has been largely eradicated in the United States, but not many people are aware of that. I support awareness of the cure of the foaming, barking killer. After all, four Americans die every year from rabies. And yes, I do watch “The Office” way too much for my own good.
To add insult to injury, when people mention the words “bumper sticker” today, your first thought probably goes to Facebook. All of us love to find that bumper sticker that describes our lives or refers to an inside joke. But, please, don’t inundate your friends with useless stupid crap that you spent 8 hours looking for rather than studying or doing a paper. I’d rather you pass a course than find a bumper sticker that refers to that time when we did that thing that we can’t remember for some reason so we laugh awkwardly at it and then talk about how we don’t remember anything. If you’re my friend, I don’t need a useless “sticker” to remind me of our quality time together. Also, mass bumper stickers are just as awful. You know when families send out their family newsletter at Christmastime? Just as we don’t care that Tommy loves Harry Potter, I, for one, don’t care that you think that some sticker was humorous (which it was not).
While I love sending out these witty or stalker-ish virtual stickers (especially when I’m bored), I feel like we’ve lost our self-expression on our cars. Our sense of activism begins and ends on a computer screen. I, for one, am disappointed with our activism. Rather than take to the streets, we send out a Facebook invitation to support a cause. Revolutionaries are rolling over in their graves as we speak. Also, let’s decide right here and now that there can be no more Jonas Brothers bumper stickers. I swear to God, if my 10-year-old cousin sends me another “I Heart Nick Jonas” sticker, I’ll flip out. Perhaps this is the only positive of Facebook bumper stickers; I don’t have to see the teeny-bopper “rockers” on the road.
Well, I guess just like shoulder pads and ponchos, car bumper stickers are a thing of the past. And I guess in the past they shall stay. Sadness.
Patty Kreiser is a junior broadcast journalism student. You may e-mail her at