By Matt Napolitano, Humor Columnist
The Hofstra Pride women’s soccer team’s play has been nothing short of golden lately. The Pride is right now a perfect 8-0 in the CAA and is ranked no. 15 in the NCAA RPI. Along with incredible talent on the pitch, the Pride can also thank the strong leadership of head coach Simon Riddiough. In a recent press conference, Riddiough quipped that he has “the Midas Touch” when it comes to what players he send onto the field. However, it looks like it is becoming literal.
Hofstra has reported having nearly half its roster on their injury report due to “being statuesque”. That comes courtesy of Riddiough’s real-life Midas Touch, turning his team from solid soccer players to solid gold. That means Simon’s Army is slowly becoming Simon’s Sculptures.
“It’s the craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” said junior forward Laura Greene, who remains a walking human being. “It happened out of nowhere and we all really thought he was playing a trick on us.”
According to non-metallic members of the team, the first incident occurred after the Pride’s win over Old Dominion on Sunday. The first victim of ‘Midas’ Riddiough was senior midfielder Tiffany Yovino. The senior scored one of three second-half goals for the Pride in the 3-1 win. After the game, as the team boarded its bus, Riddiough high-fived his star midfielder. When the coach continued to talk to his player, he noticed the conversation was a little dull. That’s because Yovino looked like she was doing her best Emmy Award pose.
Frozen in time, the gilded Venus de Yovino was transported back to Hofstra. The statue, joining several of its literally shining teammates, now lines the entrance way to the north side of campus. “We figure until the touch wears off, we may as well use them [the statues] to promote the incredible play of the program,” said Jack Hayes, athletic director for Hofstra University.
Since Sunday’s victory, seven other players have become a victim to Riddiough, including senior defender Dana Bergstrom and the team’s leading scorer, senior forward Salma Tarik. “All of the incidents were just random,” said senior goalkeeper Krista Thorn. “We would be practicing or working out, it would be a high five or a pat on the back and boom, they’re gold.” When I asked Thorn why the incidents still continued, even after three players became victims of the Midas Touch, she said, “Simon tried to prevent it. He would wear mittens, goalie gloves, one day he wore a HAZMAT suit and it still didn’t stop the curse.”
The Chronicle has tried to contact the other remaining members of the women’s soccer roster, however, many are presumed in hiding or possibly golden. I did get the chance to talk to Riddiough, who is taking proactive steps to getting rid of his curse. “Well, I tried medicine, protective gear, even some voodoo, but nothing seems to be taking.” Meanwhile, we asked him about the fate of Simon’s Army, especially with the CAA Tournament right around the corner. Riddiough simply smiled and said, “I’m planning a few trips to William & Mary, George Mason, Towson…all the schools, just looking to do some meet and greet with their players, you know, shake a few hands.”
