By Michaela Papa, Contributing Writer
I want to join a secret society. While I really have no idea what this entails, I can only assume that it includes eating cookies and playing games in a lair-like setting. Awesome.
Determined to join a secret society at Hofstra, I decided to head to the Internet. I Googled “Hofstra University, Secret Society.” The results were unsatisfactory at best. If you couldn’t discover one through a search engine, how could you?
Thus began the intensification of my desire to join a secret society. As I said before, I’m not entirely sure what a secret society entails; they’re frequently confused with cults. Though, other than shaved heads, drinking animal blood and Pierce from “Community,” I don’t know much about those either. My secret society wouldn’t include such rituals, if for no other reason than I’m a vegetarian. After the Internet failed me, I asked many people on campus. Nobody knew of a secret society. I grew up right outside New Haven, CT—home of Yale University. Everybody knows of the Skull and Bones of Yale…does this render it a club?
Being an upstanding citizen with a highly active imagination, I see no reason I shouldn’t be a prime candidate in secret society selection. I don’t understand why I haven’t been sought out by a secret society. I would be great at coming up with new secret handshakes. Similarly, I could easily conjure up an amazing secret knock. I’m also great with arts and crafts. If the lair ever needed banners or paper snowflakes I would be perfect for the job. This being said, if you are in fact in a secret society, recruit me. I’m also great at keeping secrets—a key skill in being in a secret society.
Resigning to the fact that the University must not have any secret societies (or that they are just damn good at what they do) I decided to start my own. Googling ‘’How To Start A Secret Society” yielded much better results than my first search. According to wikiHow.com, it doesn’t seem too difficult.
The first step is to obtain a secret or a secret mission. This, obviously, would be discussed at the first meeting. After this, I tend to disagree with wikiHow’s suggested subsequent measures. My version of step two is inventing a name for said secret society. I am currently open to suggestions. From there we will come up with a secret slogan. A T-shirt without a saying has no value. After clothing production is underway, the serious business can begin.
Location obviously is a key part as ambiance is everything. What is a secret society without a lair? I think the best bet would be to construct an underground den. Digging would be part of the initiation process. I’m leaning towards going underneath one of the many University parking lots.
After a name, a secret and a location, the next step would be recruitment. The problem with a secret society is it staying a secret. Something along the lines of the first rule of secret societies… This is as far as I got to in my plan. The process by which you spread a secret society seems paradoxical to me. While I think a table in the atrium would allow a certain amount of exclusivity to the society, I don’t think enough people would get the message. Luckily, everybody reads The Chronicle.