By Matt Napolitano, Staff Writer

It seems to be becoming a more common thing for athletes, retired or not, to write books to pay off their “personal trainer” (cough cough roids cough cough) and tabs at topless bars. There are a couple of different paths you can take as a player into the wonderful world of writing.

You can go the T.O. route and write a children’s book about sharing, which is like Kirstie Alley writing a children’s book about fruits and vegetables that aren’t deep-fried and smothered in chocolate. Or hell, you could go an entirely different route, write a cookbook or a how to guide or some sort, you know anything that’ll at least be glanced at in the front of the bookstore before we spend money on Hofstra shot glasses.

Well, I talked to a few of my friends in the publishing industry and they gave me the inside scoop on some hard covers making their way to your literature purchasing online shopping carts. The famous sporting faces that are throwing their printed texts out into the world will surprise you.

Lil’ Frankie And The Stadium Holding Cell by Francisco Rodriguez

Watch Lil’ Frankie take up the sport of boxing and unleash it on his ultimate punching bag…an older gentleman who didn’t show up for his game. A true children’s garden of assault and battery. Also, keep your eyes peeled for the sequel, “Lil’ Frankie Doesn’t Listen to the Probation Officer”.

Let’s Go Get a Goddamn Snack: Cooking for a Team that F***s off by Rex Ryan

When it comes to eating, you just think Rex Ryan. I mean, let’s be honest, this guy goes to the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest and eats 23 Kobayashis. This cookbook also includes a foreword by Mark Sanchez explaining how nachos are not Mexican food (Shut up Bart!). However, this project has never seemed more right. Look out for some recipes including John Conner’s Terminator Chili and Santonio Holmes’ Stew (beware it takes 4 weeks to simmer).

If I did it, but said I didn’t and made a big fuss in front of Congress about not doing it, but actually did by Roger Clemens

Basically, the print edition of watching a train wreck. No, it’s not Sarah Palin’s “Going Rogue”. A touching memoir of how opening your mouth when you shouldn’t only lands you in hot water. Roger Clemens will sign the copy for $15, all funds go directly to his lawyer’s yacht payments.

Statutory: Projects in Architecture by Ben Roethlisberger

Big Ben’s book was inspired by a weeklong exploration of the statuesque bar scene in Georgia. While this architecture and arts novel is a true look inside the brilliant mind of Roethlisberger, I wouldn’t buy this for the kids. There is a whole section on the Venus De Milo that is a little graphic. Even I felt like I needed 7 years behind bars after reading that one.

Remember Me, I’m A Hofstra Football Player by Marques Colston

A truly masterful look back at a program that, according to university records, never existed and never ever happened. The superstar Super Bowl champ Saints wide receiver heads this work, which was originally entitled “Chicken Soup for the Disgruntled Fan’s Soul”. There are several excerpts in this from many others including Super Bowl champ Willie Colon, Jets fan favorite/Social owner Wayne Chrebet and former Niners backup/Applebee’s waiter Gio Carmazzi.

Red Light, Green Light, 1-2-3 and Other Children’s Games by Tim Welsh

Another one for the kids, but this one is one that parents can play along with. There are lots of fun games and activities that your little guys will enjoy. Amongst the best games to play are The Backward Alphabet Game and Touch Your Nose.

Electricians 101: What To Do When Your Lights Get Knocked Out by Chuck Liddell

After getting knocked out in the first round against Rich Franklin, Chuck Liddell is doing his best Tim the Tool Man impression. This electrician’s guide goes into several steps in wiring your home and installing hanging lights. However, I think a few too many punches to the cranium may have affected The Iceman’s work here. One whole chapter talks about dancing the samba, and pages 215 to 234 actually are a repeat of the sentence “I like waffles”. Before he heads back to the UFC, Liddell may want to try an MRI.

Chiropractor for Dummies: How to Strengthen Your Backbone by Inez Sainz

Ah, Inez Sainz, it’s not because you’re female, it’s because you are the media!!! I mean athletes have been messing with the media since the days of Honus Wagner. It’s just common knowledge. While Inez gives you a few stretches, her provocative writing will give you a Woody…Johnson.

Armchair Observations by Matt Napolitano