By Maggie Doherty, Staff Writer
Much like the holiday it aims to capitalize on, “Valentine’s Day” seems like much to-do over something of little significance. Garry Marshall, whose previous credits include romantic comedies “Pretty Woman” and “Runaway Bride,” directs a cast of a thousand stars in an attempt to re-create the commercialized magic of “Love Actually,” but comes up short of the essential wit and charm. “Valentine’s Day” jumps between several intertwining stories of love or lack there of in the lives of nineteen or so Los Angeles residents, too swiftly, most times, to offer any character development whatsoever.
Ashton Kutcher is the lead as a florist who proposes to his girlfriend, Jessica Alba, but is obviously better matched with his best friend, a schoolteacher played by Jennifer Garner. Meanwhile, Garner’s doctor boyfriend, Patrick Dempsey (McDreamy!) is actually married (not again!) unbeknownst to her. Jessica Biel is a sports publicist manically devoted to hating Valentine’s Day, while her client, Eric Dane (McDreamy AND McSteamy? In the same movie?) plays Brett Favre, or Sean Jackson, rather, a football star approaching forty and the center of media attention.
Jamie Foxx, a sports reporter looking for a piece of the story, gets too little face time, a theme for most of the more talented actors of the film. Anne Hathaway and Topher Grace have great chemistry as a new couple; the problem is, she hasn’t broke the news to him that she’s a phone sex operator (who has mastered some alarmingly exotic accents) and is afraid he won’t be too keen on the idea. The whole situation is insulting to an actress of such talent, but then again, Shirley MacLaine decided to come aboard as a grandmother with marriage problems of her own, giving cliché sex advice to a Yale-bound Emma Roberts, who can ace the AP exams but can’t overcome the first-time anxieties with her painfully awkward boyfriend.
In her big-screen debut, Taylor Swift might as well be playing herself as a boy-crazed teenage airhead, proving that she lacks talent in yet another form of entertainment, acting. Somehow Kanye West escaped this star-studded cast and couldn’t make the audience feel sorry for her. Instead, we’re just annoyed. Her boyfriend Willy, played by her real-life boyfriend of two weeks, ‘Twilight’-er Taylor Lautner, is the bland jock who tells her he’s “uncomfortable taking his shirt off in public.” (Chuckle, chuckle.)
Miles above the rest of the cast, literally, are Julia Roberts and Bradley Cooper, who play two strangers sharing seats on a fourteen-hour flight. Roberts plays a soldier on leave of the army for one night, while Cooper is a single businessman seemingly unaware of his good looks and charm. The two have what the film comes closest to as clever and touching moments and easily the best outcomes, but we see them too little to have the capacity to invest in them.
Decorated with pretty faces and aimed at swooning teens with the marketing of Swift at the forefront, “Valentine’s Day” achieves its purpose as the sugary sweet date movie for the month of February. It’s just as packed with stars as it is with cheesy clichés and slapstick comedy, and for those of us looking for more substance from the talent the cast boasts, we might be better off skipping the extra calories.
Taylor Swift’s performance in “Valentine’s Day” disappoints. (Photo courtesy of New Line Cinema.)
