By Matt Napolitano, Humor Columnist
Fiscally sound. Strong foundation. Excellent practice of business ethics. These terms do not describe the New York Mets. Thanks to a Ponzi schemer who shall remain nameless (though he “made off” with the Mets cash), things are running down the toilet in Flushing. If the MLB were college, the Mets would be the student searching the dirt for pennies at the end of the semester to buy Ramen.
Now the Mets are on the hunt for a new minority owner, someone who can help pay off their trustee debts and maybe buy a decent player in the offseason (sorry, but Boof Bonser just doesn’t cut it). While they’re at it, they can make sure that you’re not paying as much for a hot dog that you are for gas to get to Citi Field. But that’s just me. A few suggestions that come to mind:
Mark Cuban: He’s without a doubt the fun rich uncle of NBA owners. As owner of the Mavs, Cuban has sat in the nosebleeds with the fans, screamed at refs, and sat courtside (I mean, literally on the court). You’re telling me that his antics and screaming at umps wouldn’t be a pleasant distraction from the fact that Carlos Beltran is still looking at an Adam Wainwright curveball?
Donald Trump: Here’s the plan. We rename the park Trump Field and call the team the New York Trumps. We won’t sell hot dogs, we’ll sell Trump dogs. Instead of caps, we give out mock toupees. We fill a diamond encrusted swimming pool in left field. David Wright will be the pool boy on Thursdays. It’s going to be YOUUUUGE! YOUGE!
Sarah Palin: One thing’s a certainty with the Mama Grizzly; those pesky deer won’t be coming anywhere near this ballpark. She’s loud. She’s obnoxious. She’s always angry at people in the media. She would fit in perfectly with Mets fans (I can say it, I’m one too).
Rebecca Black: She would be someone good to have in terms of scheduling. She knows when it’s Friday, and that next comes Saturday, and then Sunday comes afterwards. Great for a three game set. Not to mention her awful voice could drown out the planes from LaGuardia that always fly over.
That Nigerian guy that always faxes you: Well, he’s always saying that he has money he needs to give away. I’m sure if Fred Wilpon gives him his account information that wouldn’t go poorly. Right?
Rex Ryan: He probably doesn’t have the dough, considering he ate most of it, but you would be lying if you say you don’t like the idea of Sexy Rexy in the owner’s box. With Rex, you can expect great attention to food quality and quantity. Also, turf toes and bunions, it would be his pleasure to treat his ailing athletes after the game.
Charlie Sheen: Despite getting eliminated in the race to be his tiger blood intern, I hold no animosity toward the man. He is bringing that violent torpedo of truth and the fastball comes along with him. The F-18 fits perfectly in Flushing, plus the Mets could use a valuable lesson in winning.
Charlie Sheen’s Goddessess: For all of their services, they have to be making decent pay.
