By Matt Napolitano, Humor Columnist
My fellow Knicks fans, our dreams have come true. Carmelo Anthony is wearing the blue and orange. The Knicks blockbuster deal has been the talk of the town and fans are welcoming the Brooklyn native back with open arms, so much so, that he has already become a leader not only on the hardwood, but in City Hall as well.
The New York City Knickerbockers fans took to the polls Tuesday; just hours after Anthony officially joined Stat City, for a citywide special election for mayor of the Big Apple. Michael Bloomberg, assuming the whole thing was some quirky little city campaign to support the Knicks, simply laughed it off. However, it was a rude awakening when news outlets ended up posting results.
Then, Tuesday night, somewhere in between an episode of Glee and Raising Hope, the numbers were in. Melo was the new mayor.
“Mr. Bloomberg was disturbed by the results,” said one of the mayor’s deputies, helping carry boxes to a U-Haul. Within one hour, NBC, FOX, and NY1 were all declaring Carmelo Anthony the mayor of New York, causing Bloomberg to send out a fury of phone calls.
“The Mayor had no clue about any kind of election. Otherwise, he would have obviously campaigned. The fact that Mr. Anthony was even in the election is ludicrous. He doesn’t fit the residency requirements, nor has he done near the amount of work Mayor Bloomberg has done.”
With all precincts reporting, Anthony ousted Bloomberg by a vote of 82 percent to 15. Also receiving votes, current players Amare Stoudemire and Landry Fields, as well as broadcasters Al Trautwig and Mike Breen. Bloomberg and his staff are now cleaning out City Hall, while going through research and press releases to make sense of this special election.
However, Knicks fans are calling this a “total lack of attention to social media.” Apparently, the special election came to be after a few loyal followers filed the paperwork after Facebook told them to. The group, MELO FOR MAYOR!!!!!!!!!!!!! (yes, that many exclamation points), grew 247,379 strong overnight, leading 3 fans to take action. Within hours, Governor Andrew Cuomo, an avid Knick fan since the days of Walt “Clyde” Frazier and Willis Reed, gave it a stamp of approval.
“The governor thought it was okay. We don’t know why, but he just kept screaming, ‘YEA MELO!! #1 GO NEW YORK GO NEW YORK GO!’ It was strange, but, he’s in charge,” said a Cuomo administration official. Notaries and record keepers are now confirming the issue of a special election by Cuomo.
With the results in, Bloomberg will leave office at the end of the month, much to the pleasure of the Knick community. When Carmelo Anthony was told about the election, he couldn’t help but laugh. A New York Knicks spokesperson confirms the terms, “Are you kidding me?” and “Is this some kind of a joke?” were tossed around by the team’s new small forward.
However, Anthony isn’t ruling anything out. Just check out this exclusive agenda that we have from the Knicks (by which I mean I found in the dumpster outside MSG):
– Name Chris Paul the new deputy mayor. Get him to New York.
– Declare a new Cold War on Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov
– Pay Spike Lee to film my kid’s birthday party
– Ask John Wall to teach me how to dougie
– Talk to that Charles Jenkins guy everyone is mentioning, he seems to know a lot about Carmen Sandiego’s whereabouts.
– Oh, yea, and something nice for the schools, those kids deserve it.
