By John Thomas
Staff Writer

Michael Bay is maligned. Malignment is an inherent quality of his existence. His name is jokingly brought into conversations about not just film, but all sorts of media as the standard rock bottom of contemporary commercial art. This trope has become so cliché that I generally scoff whenever his name is brought up, because even a dolt of dolts could come up with a better joke than uttering the name “Michael Bay.” That being said, after suffering through “Pain and Gain,” Bay’s latest feature, I think that I am once again ready to embrace the humor of such a quip once again into my personal cultural discourse.
“Pain and Gain” is the most mediocre block of paint-by-numbers filmmaking that I have ever thought critically about. As I’ve mentioned, most critics and moviegoers in general have already thrown Bay under the rug, but before I saw this film I was ready to give him one last chance. The only Bay movies I had watched prior to this were the Transformers films, and I gullibly allowed myself to think that, given the freedom that working outside that franchise allowed, Bay might prove himself as more than just a slew of banally strung together action sequences pasted onto a framework of bigotry and vapid characters. I was wrong.
With “Pain and Gain” Bay is obsessed to the point of madness with convincing his audience that he is in fact telling a true story. Through stylistically jarring freeze frames, he reminds us of the film’s authenticity multiple times, often at supposedly comedic junctures that fall flat, inciting not even as much as a giggle or a cynical, venomous “Ha!” This choice does away with all of the film’s potential. Conceptually fun scenes pop up frequently, but Bay’s misplaced desire to not veer into the cartoonish or even comical takes away any sort of comedic bite the picture might have had.
That’s a real shame. Dwayne Johnson, Anthony Mackie, and Mark Wahlberg were trying so damn hard to hold it all together, but they just couldn’t shoot past the piss poor script and whatever Michael Bay thought he was doing. Wahlberg, as per usual, delivers an earnest, on point performance—one that’s entirely squandered. I’ll admit that I’ve had an affinity for Dwayne Johnson since his pro-wrestling days. I would even go as far as saying that I have a crush on the big fella, but I’ve never been that impressed with his Thespian chops. Yet, given a bit brighter material, I think Johnson could have crafted a wonderful, endearing character.
My dear readers, “Pain and Gain” isn’t even worth hate-watching. If you are worth your salt, you’ll just get rationally angry over the sexism and flagrant, entirely unfunny rape humor, and who needs that? No one, that’s who. If you’re in the market for mindless fun, check out “Iron Man 3” or maybe throw some quarters at kids.