By By Billy Florio

5. “Next thing you know, a call comes through on my cell phone / I tried my best to quickly put it on vi-brate.” (Chapter One):Never in the history of music has the world vibrate been sung with such…passion…or falsetto.

4. “He says, “Yes,” I say, “No,” he says, “Yes,” I say, “No,” he says, “It’s the truth!”” (Chapter Three):An example of the details R. Kelly sings in this R&B Opera. It doesn’t matter if it’s the most pointless drivel, he’ll sing it. This line though is of course a precursor to Chapter 15 when he has an argument with the checkout boy at the supermarket over paper or plastic.

3. “And then the police man grabbed me, I snatched away and got my gun up off the floor / Then ‘Twan says “that’s what I’m talkin’ about.” (Chapter Seven):This one is hysterical only because the character Twan is not exactly the perfect role model for anti-stereotyping America (well, none of the characters are), but the fact that he’s an ex-con that just got out of jail, was apparently planning to turn his life around. But at the first appearance of guns, even if just to see who was at the door, he says “That’s what I’m talking about,” then proceeds to grab one from the cop doesn’t help. Note: later on he also seems to be characterized as just a guy who likes killing people for fun. He actually begs to shoot a cop.

2. “That’s when I started going crazy like I was tryna give her a baby.” (Chapter Four):Does it need to be stated what he was doing at the time?

1. “What I’m about to tell you is so damn twisted / not only is a man in the cabinet, but the man / is a midget-midget-midget.” (Chapter Nine):There are many lines from Trapped In The Closet that will cause outright laughter, but only five can be included here. This last line from chapter nine is probably the most obvious selection-and yet, as obvious as it is, still needs to be included. A midget? A midget?! Whoever said R. Kelly is not doing this as a joke has not yet seen chapters nine and 10.