By By Chris Carvo

I had a nightmare last night where I stayed at the Plaza Hotel. The $15,000 a night bill did not faze me; it was the menu I found to be the real chow-chow consternation. When appetizers came, I selected what I thought to be Caspian Sea Beluga caviar and wiped it daintily on a Sea Salt Stone gourmet crisp. But when I tasted the sturgeon, I expected it to taste like sand and bile, not dirt and spit! And that’s when I learned, it was not beluga caviar, but osetra and sevruga; the Old Navy of caviars.

This is when I awoke from my slumber in a cold sweat, thoughts of tyro and dabbler sea crustaceans still hurting my good sense. I slipped into my panda-skin robe to fetch the morning news, and found my dream to be a premonition: The United States has banned imports of beluga Caviar.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service banned imports of beluga caviar and other beluga products from the Caspian Sea on Sept. 30, after caviar-exporting countries in the region failed to provide details on their plans to conserve the fish, which is listed internationally as a species threatened with extinction.

Now what appears to be for very noble reasons, is only an ink-squirt defense screen to stun the American public so the primary reasons can swim away

The prohibition is the first unilateral ban from the agency on Caspian Sea caviar, although several temporary embargos have been issued before. But we all know how well citizens take the recommendations of U.S. government hegemony attempting to ban things that do not jive with pro-American ambitions; I dunk my French fries in Grey Goose vodka every night in opposition to those flimsy campaigns.

Now what appears to be a dumb and ineffective policy for Americans is actually a commencement of hostility to the Caspian Sea region; you know, your Azerbaijanis and Kazakhstans, no big deal right? We’ll topple the livelihood of any country we can’t spell or pronounce correctly in our sleep. But Russia (let’s let sleeping bears lie) and Iran (it’s like a Motel 6 for terrorists on their way to jannat) are the two windigos we need to watch for. Imagine Perusahaan Otomobil instating a commerce interdiction on Ford or Chevy. It would rattle our jingoistic bones, forcing us to dust off the patriotic true-blue attire of 2001.

The embargo instated by the Fish and Wildlife Service isn’t just a ban on U.S. importing, but any consumer markets in North America, Europe and Australia are suggested to ignore black market attempts at industry and choose “exquisite farmed American caviars, which are a better choice for the environment.” Okay, I thought there was a reason why we outsourced all of our caviar sturgeon needs, before our recent realization that there was an extinction and conservation issue: we don’t know fecal stew about caviar grading! Something smells fishy here…

What started as a noble and humanitarian cause, now turned into a struggle to shake up traditional and established fishing circles with our own petty squabbles on fish conservation. Is this really at the top of the agenda for our nation’s Fish and Wildlife Department? How about cleaning up the ecological chaos caused by our two consecutive hurricanes that have displaced and ruined fish and wildlife circles in our own Gulf region? Then, if there’s time, we’ll fight over caviar conservation.

Speaking of the Fish and Wildlife Service, it was reported that the beluga caviar was first placed on the endangered species list over a year ago. You mean to tell me it took a government regulated and funded agency an extremely long time to respond to an emergency? The FWS ripped this formation right out the FEMA playbook.

Even our crummy government agencies are entertaining negative foreign policies with other governments and peoples. We’ve turned the Europeans off, pissed the Arabs off and now we’re jerking off with Caspian pirates. Yes, the countries that we are trying to economically disestablish have their own business mafias (much like in New York), that we know as pirates. These pirates get what they want by instilling fear in those that disagree with them and even in extreme cases plunder, rape and pillage. Sounds like terrorism. Move over binLaden; “Sinbad of the High Seas” is now the number one most wanted man in America.

Aside from the United States needing to have its wiener in everyone’s business bun, now we’re taking the high road on the treatment of caviar? It seems strangely ironic that our solution to conservation issues involves instating American ranch-raised caviar. Don’t get me wrong, I’m against animal cruelty and all, but offering a resolution that sounds even worse than the original unregulated problem is like offering a naked and cold Indian a smallpox blanket.

Let’s face it; the life of caviar to begin with is nothing to e-mail the folks about. Manmade and ocean-based aquafarms breed contaminants and sealice, not to mention the crowding and the injuries and death from mishandling by farmers. And we all know how mean farmers are; what with ripping the ears off of the corn and all.