By Che Sullivan – Copy Chief
While I was looking for albums to review this week, it was between Joanna Newsom’s “Divers,” which would have been far too involved (short review though: It’s great!), Carrie Underwood’s “Storyteller” and Vanessa Carlton’s “Liberman.” Long story short, I wish I’d chosen anything else.

Although she has not been nominated for any awards since 2003 with the release of her debut album “Be Not Nobody,” Carlton has released four albums since.

For her super-senior record our old friend and singer of “A Thousand Miles,” which everyone knows all know the words to, reaches desperately for authenticity and falters throughout the album’s 40 minutes.

The most interesting aspects of this record are not in the record itself but in the confusing way it has been hyped and released.

To give you the brief history, “Liberman” was released exclusively on EW.com on Oct. 23 from Dine Alone Records, which is home to a lot of well-known acts including Marilyn Manson, FIDLAR and Kate Nash.

Then Esquire premiered a single, “Young Heart,” (which has an “official dream video” and is also genuinely enjoyable) in anticipation of “Liberman,” but it’s not even on the record.

Carlton’s single “Blue Pool” was released on Nylon Magazine’s website, which isn’t weird, but then the official video for it was released by the lifestyle magazine we all know but have never read outside of a waiting room, Southern Living. I’m not sure anyone even knows they have a music column.

Lastly, USA Today premiered a third single – “Willows” – in the form of an official lyric video. All three of these singles were released almost two months before the release date of the LP.

Every song falls into a trap that many new releases have been falling into. It tries hard to be emotional by utilizing unnecessary, overwrought ethereal reverb but, lacking any tangible or memorable attributes, falls flat on its face.

Carlton didn’t seem to realize it’s possible to make songs that resonate emotionally without faking like they were recorded in a cathedral. Not to mention Carlton’s voice sounds like an inauthentic cross between Lana Del Rey and the lead singer of Mumford & Sons.

Most of the lyrics were confusing or nonsensical. There is a line in “Matter of Time” where she uses the phrase “curve of your desire,” as if that is something people actually say. As my best friend said, “She’s just making up turns of phrase.” In “Operator” she says “I could be your moneymaker,” but surely she isn’t referring to “Liberman” record sales.

My favorite song on the record is “Unlock the Lock,” in which the chorus is “Unlock the lock / Unlock the lock / Unlock the lock.” It’s a good song to play for Public Safety while they’re letting you back into your room.

By far the best song, however, is “Ascension,” and not just because it means the record’s almost over. The piano sounds great but is ruined when the vocals come in. The last line of this song, and the entire album, is “And I go and die.” Yikes!

The album reminded me of whatever Aly & AJ (whose sister act is now renamed 78Violet, which is of course much more serious and adult) are trying to be now, and I highly recommend you watch their eight-minute video for “Hothouse” and try to make any sense of it.

I wish I could write a review of Vanessa Carlton’s Wikipedia page, because I had so much fun reading it – way more fun than listening to her music (did you know her wedding was officiated by Stevie Nicks?). I beg you not to listen to this album. Put “A Thousand Miles” on 10 times in a row for a much better time.

If, after all this hubbub, you still want to give this record a go, I recommend you watch the “Blue Pool” video. Don’t watch it if you get motion sickness or anything like that, though, and that’s a genuine warning. The video has no plot but it features Carlton’s cute dog and Carlton in a cowboy hat. It also looks like it was filmed through six layers of Saran wrap with a GoPro, which is probably strapped onto the pup.

I give the record 1/5 stars but I give her Wikipedia page 5/5.

Standout tracks: Operator, Ascension, Unlock the Lock.