By Muhammad Muzammal COLUMNIST

How could a film about sex be so boring and dispassionate? Sam Taylor Johnson’s rendition of E.L. James’ fan fiction erotic novel, “Fifty Shades of Grey” is a hollow, moronic film that manages to not entice, but frustrate and aggravate viewers, with its boring sex scenes, tedious dialogue and empty chemistry between the lead characters.

Let’s begin with this film’s lifeless leads. Sporting a schoolgirl look and an annoying, overly innocent demeanor, Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson), a college literature student, contrasted with the enigmatic, blank faced Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan), the CEO of his self-named clothing company.

There’s a sense of engagement and sexiness found between two partners who are so different from each other. Looking at Bernardo Bertolucci’s, “Last Tango in Paris,” the 1972 film about an older, lonely man who has a sexual relationship with a much younger, more sociable woman. In “Fifty Shades of Grey” there is no valuable depth. Or at least it feels like there isn’t one.

After Steele interviews Grey for the college newspaper, the two share flirty looks and soon, within a couple of weeks, they start a sexual relationship, signing sex contracts and such. One of the contracts entails Grey becoming Steele’s “dominant,” thereby subjecting her to acts of BDSM. The BDSM metaphorically serves as Grey’s desire for control and as the film progresses Grey deals with his childhood trauma that is in turn affecting Anastasia.

“Fifty Shades of Grey,” like “Last Tango in Paris” can make for a great character story and could work, if given the right sense of direction, acting and writing. Taylor-Johnson’s camera is so artistically inept that there is no heat in what is supposedly being marketed as a “hot sex” movie. Pop songs accompany the sex, making the act so commercialized and empty of any human emotion. As Grey and Steele have sex, there is no feeling of sensuality nor is there a trickle of eroticism felt.

I said the writing was bad. Poorly placed lines like Grey’s angry proclamations, “I don’t make love, I f*ck hard” or “F*ck the contract” are so horribly delivered by Dornan that it seems funny. And sex with laughter is simply a disappointing affair.

Johnson’s performance is no better than Dornan. Daughter of the sexy Melanie Griffith, Dakota Johnson, like her co-lead is all glossy but there is nothing underneath the skin. Johnson navigates Steele’s journey in such a hollow, machine-like like manner that the film becomes a waiting game for the credits.

“Fifty Shades of Grey” is a good-looking, yet empty, film that has weak performances, caricatures as characters (Steele and Grey’s mothers) and disrespect for a sensation that is human and vital.

This is not a science fiction film with explosions and mindless destruction. But it is just as fake and inhuman as any poorly executed modern day blockbuster.