By Betty Crotch
Imagine a world where you can watch male nudity, female impersonation, diva fits and tap dancing for a measly $2. Amanda Donelan, Vice-President of Spectrum Players, dared to imagine such a world when she conceived the First Annual Mr. Spectrum Pageant as a fundraiser for the organization.
Held last Saturday in the Spiegel Theater, the packed house was left in stitches as they watched a parade of some very talented and some not-so-talented men from the Drama department strut their stuff for the chance to win two illustrious tickets to Loews Cinemas. The runner-up would receive a blender.
The show started promptly 20 minutes late when the commanding Rachel Restaino ascended to take her rightful place as Mistress of Ceremonies. Wearing a jungle themed gown, understated make-up and a Red Carpet-ready up-do, she leered at the audience from behind her fake glittery microphone and regaled the crowd with filthy zingers at earsplitting volumes. It is unfortunate that Miss Restaino wasn’t born a man, because (with the right wig) she could have been one of the most celebrated drag queens of all time. She was a riot and a natural.
And then it was all about the boys. The 12 guys came bouncing out to “Filthy/Gorgeous” by the Scissor Sisters. The crowd roared with delight. Together they gyrated through one of the campiest, tongue-in-cheek numbers ever choreographed for a Mr. Spectrum Pageant. The dance was a nearly flawless piece that worked hard to set the tone for the evening. The audience needed time to regain themselves afterwards; they were laughing so hard.
Following the dance and some amusing bedroom talk from the hostess, the men came out one-by-one for the swimsuit competition. The boys glistened under the lights with the aid of what I can only hope was baby oil. Many of the contestants had nice bodies, which they displayed with the aplomb of a skinny dipping Abercrombie model. The more body conscious members of the group grinned uncomfortably while lapping up the supportive cheers of the audience, before slinking back to the safe confines backstage.
The next portion of the evening, formal wear, was a necessary bore and easily the lowest point of the evening. In order to properly parody the pomposity of pageants, formal wear was an essential category for the show, but it offered little in terms of entertainment value. Thankfully, it was short.
The talent portion of the evening started with an impressive tap dance number by Mark DiConzo (Mr. Crisp). Mr. DiConzo, using only the power of his feet and winning smile, had the crowd clapping along as he freestyle-tapped his way into their hearts.
Kyle Haggerty (Mr. Buttersworth) performed an ecstatic ribbon dance. Starting in a crouched position, Kyle “discovered” the ribbon lying in a pool of light as the theme from Chariots of Fire built to its memorable “Da Da Da Da Nah Nah” portion. With leaps and bounds, Mr. Haggerty was a powerful, joyful embodiment of the possibilities of human expression.
Matt Woods (Mr. Rockstar) took to the stage wearing little more than a jock strap, inflated balloons and a smile. His routine, entitled “The Dance of the Seven Balloons” titillated the crowd as he shimmed through “Beers, Steers and Queers” by the Revolting Cocks. Mr. Woods wore balloons all over his body which he ceremoniously popped until he could pop no more. He then boldly walked off the stage, buttocks bared.
Joe Carozza (Mr. Fabulous) performed in drag as Mariah Carey. He lip-synched her timeless classic “Emotions.” Mr. Carozza wore a slinky black cocktail dress and a laughably bad wig. His defined legs stirred envy in the ladies. He wasn’t fooling anyone (it was definitely a boy in slut’s clothing) but he had the crowd rooting for him and his high-heeled, high-pitched act throughout the entire song.
Gary Ferrar (Mr. Everything), wearing the requisite suspenders and rolled up white button-down, juggled like a fiend. 3 balls. 4 balls. Bouncing Balls. Bottles! Mr. Ferrar showed impressive chops and delighted the crowd with his good looks and juggling skills.
The boys were then all lined up for the announcement of “The Final Five.” They all held hands and behaved like nervous divas with their lives at stake. It was moments like these that the show really sparkled. It allowed the boys to do what they do best: play a role. Their behavior during the entire final decision process was pitch perfect.
The five finalists, Mr. Ferrar, Mr. Haggerty, Mr. Woods, Mr. DiConzo and Mr. Carozza, were then asked two final questions from the esteemed judges. Mr. Woods performed admirably, keeping with the tone of the evening and maintaining character throughout most of the process, but it was Mr. Carozza who stole the show.
Mr. Carozza played into the silliness of the whole event. When asked what he thought about puppies, Mr. Carozza said, “I think they are a good fashion accessory. And if I had a million puppies I’d give one to everyone in the world!” He was so earnest, so believably vapid, that he managed to take what was once an incredibly close race and turn it into a landslide victory. Mr. Woods won the blender.
The crowd left the event happier than Star Jones at an Old Country Buffet and they were hungry for more. Hopefully Spectrum can capture the lightning in a bottle that was this First Mr. Spectrum Pageant and do it again next year. Bigger. Badder. Beautifuler.