By Michael Glennon
The 47th Annual Grammy Awards at the Staples Center dogmatically followed all the tried-and-true clichés of the award show genre: the dead guy won all the awards, performers performed and then won awards, celebrities banded together to heal the world, tributes to more dead guys were tributed, and musicians were brought together at random to perform duets. That’s not to say the Grammys were without surprises, but luckily I wasn’t playing a Grammys drinking game. Sunday was a school night, after all.
Anyone who subjected themselves to the E! preshow coverage was in for the disappointment of their lives. Star Jones Reynolds, wrapped in the largest piece of orange fabric this side of Central Park, continued to fill her role as sycophant to the stars. When she wasn’t fellating the egos of the Thin and Fabulous, she was reminding the world of her sham marriage to Al Reynolds. Star does have her purpose, however. If it weren’t for her, we might forget what Al Roker used to look like. And for that America is grateful.
Thankfully the Preshow eventually ended and I could stop watching the TV with a mirror. Medical professionals advise against looking directly into your TV when Star is on to avoid damaging your eyes. I switched the channel to CBS and cancelled my plans for the next week-there was no telling how long this was going to be on.
The show started with The Black Eyed Peas, Gwen Stefani, Maroon 5, the Killers, and three brothers reinforcing the ugliest Hispanic stereotypes taking the stage for the largest fluster cluck the world has ever seen. The Black Eyed Peas sang “Let’s Get it Started”. Didn’t that song used to be about something else, or am I retarded? Gwen Stefani did her best to follow along with her “guide track.” Maroon 5 looked and sounded great, although Adam Levine should’ve opted for something a little nicer than Vanst. The Killers bobbed along to their single like understudies for A Night At The Roxbury. And Los Lonely Boys will probably do very well for themselves at the Latin Grammys. They then all started to sing their songs at the same time. This sounded very loud and impressive to many of the dogs watching the telecast.
Alicia Keyes looked like a goddess and sounded wicked pissaah as she performed “If I Ain’t Got You.” Then she performed a stupid duet with Jamie Foxx in memory of Ray Charles. Isn’t it strange how every time Ray Charles won, you felt like Jamie Foxx just got a Grammy?
Jennifer Lopez performed a duet with her hubby du-jour Marc Anthony. It looked like they were performing a sappy love duet, and if I spoke Spanish I could say that it most certainly was a sappy love duet. The stage they serenaded each other on featured a bedspread even Chi-Chi LaRue wouldn’t put in a porno. The whole performance made me want to vomit, but then I realized it would be a waste of perfectly good puke.
Ellen DeGeneres introduced Queen Latifah to her adoring public. Latifah’s performance was okay, but how she managed to sing “I Used To Visit All The Very Gay Places” without outing herself to the entire arena is a mystery on par with Sasquatch.
Green Day performed the title song off of their award winning American Idiot. Their very grown-up suits matched their grown-up concept album. The pyrotechnics used on stage would have upstaged less powerful performers, but Green Day showed why we are still listening to them nearly ten years after Dookie.
Kayne West beat out Jamie Foxx for best eccentric skull decoration with his curly cue fade. Kayne’s performance was easily the finest of the evening. Aided by Mavis Staples, the Blind Boys of Alabama and an entire congregation of dancers, Kayne performed “Jesus Walks,” died, was resurrected, and transformed into an angel. It was all very beautiful. Then, in typical Grammy fashion, Kayne won Best Rap Album immediately following his performance.
Melissa Ethridge and Joss Stone inexplicably joined forces for a Janis Joplin tribute. Melissa Ethridge was completely bald, but NO it wasn’t some sort of lesbian thing, she is a cancer survivor and ballzy enough to go sans-wig. Joss Stone is a freaking giant. Standing tall at 6 feet 19 inches, Ms. Stone did a pretty decent job of avoiding the lights with her massive, massive head. Together the two of them won the Grammy for “cutest couple” beating out the adorable Loretta Lynn and Jack White.
After all this self-aggrandization, it was time for the musicians of the world to get together to sing a cover song that would magically solve all the worlds problems. They did it once with “Heal the World” and then again with “What’s Going On.” Could they repeat the magic with “Across the Universe”? No. They could not. They did not. It was awful. Download it off iTunes.
Usher is very talented and he danced well with James Brown who also danced well. I will not say mean things about Usher.
By the time skeletal Sheryl Crow took the stage in a cut-a-way yellow dress, I barely had the energy to say something snarky. The broadcast had been on for 9 days, and I just wanted it to be over. And then Ray Charles won for Album of the Year, proving once and for all that the Grammys would rather give their highest honor to the dead then recognize the contributions of the young and talented. n