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As someone who fights hard to remain optimistic, I sometimes forget there is a lesson to be learned from moments of weakness. When I hit a plateau in life, which for me is a lack of satisfaction from self-improvement, I start to question myself. So far, this column has been about seeing the bright side of this pandemic, and I still see the value in that, but I also see the value in embracing how much this all sucks. The pressure I put on myself to constantly keep growing shows that I assume I’ve learned all I need to where I’m at, and that is not the case.
It would be a shame for me to leave this global hardship without once letting myself feel all that I’ve lost. Not leaving my home is hard, not seeing my friends is difficult and not being able to break up work with the excitement of experiencing the world is sad. This pandemic has allotted a lot of time to do internal work, but I think there is wisdom in embracing the helplessness we feel externally.
Monday morning, I woke up feeling down. This feeling was an isolated one because so far, I have refused to let a reality I cannot change influence my happiness. This is not because I don’t feel the effects of these devastating times emotionally, but because the privileges I’ve been granted outweigh the hardships, and I have forced myself to focus on that. Instead of accepting my feeling of defeat, a very human condition, I decided to go about my routine, even adding a few extra steps. This was not a testament to my strength, but my pride.
As the pandemic continues, the days are getting harder. The life I once took for granted feels so far away; I almost don’t remember the feeling of the things I miss. I don’t remember shuffling around in the morning, rushing to get out the door or impatiently waiting to be seated at a restaurant. I’m running out of shows to watch and things to bake. As much as I try and convince myself I’m doing fine, my restless nights tell me otherwise, and I’ve realized that is okay. There is a difference between wallowing in self-pity and accepting that something is bigger than you. This week, I learned the difference and discovered a sense of freedom. Through my mourning, I was given comfort.
On Monday, I pushed myself; Tuesday and Wednesday were even better. But when Thursday came around and I still felt an ache in my chest, I took a deep breath that lasted the entire day, and I gave myself a break. I let myself feel sad: “Feel” is the key word here. I let myself feel it, but I will not let myself be it. Because on Friday, whether I wake up smiling or with a heaviness in my heart, I will go about my routine. Despite how I feel, I will live based on how I am, and right now I am healthy. I am loved, and as I’ve proven each time I have shown up for myself, I am strong. I am not stronger than this pandemic, but I believe in gratitude, and I also know I can overcome emotions that do not reflect my beliefs.
There will not always be a bright side. Sometimes all we have is the promise of one.
