By Matthew Silverman
When I tell people I’m an English major, they invariably ask me if I plan to teach when I graduate college. I usually respond with something to the effect of: “Why teach school when I could just as easily poke myself in the eye with a chopstick, or crank my fingers through a meat grinder?” Watching high school seniors attempt to wrap their sludge-filled minds around the concepts of “subject” and “predicate” is not my idea of a good time. Having been on the receiving end of a sparkling American education for 17 years, I have no plans to recycle it into the next generation.
Yet they pose a valid question. The end of college is nigh, which either means I need to fail my ‘History of the Cashew’ class toot-sweet, or find some sort of full-time job. You’d think they’d have mentioned it once or twice in my 17 years of schooling, where to locate one of these “full-time jobs.” But I’ll tell you, after finding nothing between the couch cushions or in my sister’s diary, I was nearly spent. Fortunately, my girlfriend Lauren maintains a large stock of oak tag paper and glitter-glue, and after a good three hours constructing the perfect sparkly bubble letters, I staked a good spot on the New Jersey Turnpike, proudly displaying my “Will Work For Money” sign for oncoming traffic. (I felt the baby-blue floral border really gave it that something special). It wasn’t long before the New York State Police showed some interest in my advertisement.”Sir, please step onto the shoulder!” said one of the officers from his megaphone. “Why of course!” I replied. “What are you trying to do here?” asked the second policeman, walking over.
Knowing full well this might be my only chance, I gathered my most professional voice. “Well, I really feel I could bring a lot to the Force. I’m very good at finding out things, following clues, using a magnifying glass, stuff like that.” I explained with confidence. “Oh, and I’m really good at interrogating witnesses. Check this out: (ahem) where were you on the night of Dec. 4?!! Pretty good, eh?”
The officers looked puzzled. They had probably never met a candidate as young as me with such good credentials.”Here’s my resume, a few references, and a headshot. Oh, and if it’s cool with you guys, could we skip the civil service exam? I’m not too good at taking tests.”
I must have really impressed them, because basic training began right away. They cuffed me and put me in the back of a real squad car. They played it up well, just like an actual bust, told me I had the right to remain silent and everything. Very realistic. Even spent the night in jail, which I thought was a little excessive for training day number one, but they’re all about details down at the precinct.
Turns out they weren’t interested in hiring after all. Perhaps job hunting in the HOV lane of a major expressway is not the best idea. Discouraged, but not thwarted, I decided to continue my search elsewhere.Had you any idea that Hofstra University has a “Career Center?” Apparently, they’re just doling out careers left and right over there, and if you want a piece of the action, it’s first come, first serve.”Can I help you?” asked the receptionist. “Yes, I’d like a career please,” I said. I’m told appearances count in the business world, which is why I wore my shiniest bowtie. If you press the center, it spins around. It also lights up, but I didn’t have a battery.
“I see,” she replied. “Well, you’ll have to make an appointment with a Career Counselor.” “Oh, that’s not necessary. I already know what kind of career I want.” “That may be true, but y…” “Do you have any openings for Shepherds? I really feel I could tend a good flock.” “I don’t know if that’s…” “I’m very organized! I can keep track of things really well. And I can count to at least 50. I mean, how many sheep are in the average flock? No more than 50, right?”
“Perhaps you shoul…” “You never hear much about Shepherding as a profession anymore. You’d think they’d offer that as a major here; or at least a minor! I mean, the flock ain’t gonna tend itself, am I right?” and we both had a good chuckle over that one. Well, me more than her.”Security!”
Though I didn’t specifically request it, the Career Center thought I’d be best suited to work at Public Safety, and they had a car sent over right away to pick me up.