By Martini Amour
Ever wonder how sexually smart the men at the University are? Ask any woman here and I’m sure she would be willing to divulge more than one or two charming stories.
Earlier this year, Brandon Williamson, a North Carolina State University student, fabricated a CNN article which indicated that woman who performed fellatio several times a week greatly decrease their chances in developing breast cancer. The appearance of the article was so accurate to a CNN web page that thousands believed it to be true. The article intended to be seen by a few of Williamson’s friends, spread over college computer screens like wildfire. According to TruthorFiction.com, the article, which had been posted directly on the North Carolina State University’s web site, was viewed by over a half of a million people by the next day. Talk about a practical joke gone terribly wrong.
The real question remains that in the half of a million viewers of the article, how many believed it to be true? Not to mention how many of those people told other people, and so the story goes. This is the art of the rumor snowball effect. Sounds like a story I heard earlier this year about fliers going up in a dorm indicating a student had airborne herpes. Where do people come up with these things, and are we really naïve enough to believe them?
Some part of our lives revolve around sex day in and day out, and we still do not have all the answers. What kind of college students are we anyway? Therefore, being a good Martini, I scoped out this article for myself. And like every other complete waste of time I’ve encountered in my lifetime, it looked great from the outside but was completely unsatisfying inside. I honestly can say that I’m now dumber after reading it. People must be completely oblivious to believe such an article. First of all, the web address has no affiliation with CNN.com, it is from a third party web site. Now, honestly, if the story was true, wouldn’t the link be off the CNN web site directly? Next, the sources of this “scientific” information were from the following professionals: Dr. B.J. Sooner, Dr.. Inserta Shafteer, and Dr.. Len Lictepeen. Come on now. Does that make any sense to anyone? And if anyone reading this is still confused, read the names again, ten times if one must, until one realizes the absurdity of this whole thing. Lastly, if anyone out there still does not see a read flag alerting the falsity of this article, there’s nothing I can do to help at this point.
I give Williamson some sort of props because in his original intentions, he and his friends were on the brink of genius. Ideally, they would convince their girlfriends that giving oral sex was good for them. Even as a woman I can see how beneficial that would be, but how desperate does this guy have to be to rely on that for a means of getting it?
When asked what she would say if her boyfriend told her this information, 19-year-old Laura said, “Unless my boyfriend had clinical proof with documents from the top doctors in the country…I would kick his ass for even thinking I would fall for that.” Thank you Laura.
The last time I checked, Dr… B.J. Sooner fell a little short on the list if you know what I mean.
Then there was 20-year-old Lauren who fell deep off the edge and said, “Well I would tell him every other week, depending on how horny I am.” As I sit here and shake my head in disappointment I realized that some people would actually fall for this. And that is so sad.
Then I went to the target audience, the college male. Would he stoop that low to get a little nooky? And had they already heard of the rumor? Twenty-one-year-old Brent said, “Actually I haven’t ever heard of it, but if it’s true then why not give head twice a day instead? I think you girls owe it to your health.” Well isn’t that nice? Thank you, Brent for being so concerned about the female population of your pants.
Of course, Brent wasn’t the only one. My favorite response came from 19-year-old Alex, “I recommend that once the young woman buys into the idea, and sees that after weeks of fellatio she still hasn’t developed a malignant tumor anywhere, you proceed to inform her that adding another girl to a sexual encounter decreases signs of age, as well as reduces split ends.”
All I can say is put it on the Internet and they will come. Some people can clearly believe anything and everything. And this, my friends, is how sexual urban legends are born. A little note of advice to all of the University’s men, don’t try using this pickup line on any of the women, I’ve just ruined it for everyone. And to the remainder of people reading this article, think twice before believing some bootleg article written by a college student with really good computer software and an art for puns. This is Dr. Boner Rific signing off.