By Michael Glennon
The 76th Annual Academy Awards were broadcast on Sunday, and it may possibly be the most underwhelming Oscars in years. It would be easy to describe the entire ceremony in a single word (boring), but that wouldn’t do justice to the immense volume of soul-crushing blandness and predictability this four-hour sucktacular was able to present. Not since millions of people sat through a movie about a sinking boat, only to be surprised that it sinks at the end has the finale of a Hollywood production been so predestined. Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King received 11 of the gold phallic symbols for every category it was nominated in, including “Best Use of Prosthetics” and “Best Movie Starring an 80 year old queen in Wizard Drag.”
The show started promptly at 8pm with the ABC Oscar Red Carpet something or other. Broadcast with a 5 second delay, most likely to prevent Billy Crystal from exposing his first 2 inches of “neck”, the preshow was a feel-good affair the whole family could enjoy. The fashions were glamorous, blah de etc blah, but what was missing was definitely a swan dress, a pink tutu, or a J-Lo kept together with double-sided tape.
Like everything else presented on Sunday, there were few risky choices as far as the fashions went.
Soon to be Best Actress winner Charlize Theron looked stunning in her cream colored Tom Ford. At least from the neck down. Her very tan complexion and no nonsense makeup washed her out, and though it wasn’t “not pretty,” it definitely needed something. Eyebrows perhaps.
Angelina Jolie, presenter, looked too-hot-to-handle in her Marc Bouwer. The white satin gown with plunging neckline (but not too plunging) was a big hit on the red carpet. And though she claimed she wasn’t seeing anyone, a closer examination revealed that she might be seeing ice cubes. There were nipples.
Catherine Zeta-Jones, presenter, looked like the MILF all men dream of in her red Versace and flowing locks. Renee Zellweger looked as though she bought a couture bed sheet and paid entirely too much money to squint in style. Seriously, what was with that bow in the back? Nicole Kidman looked as amazing as always in her ice colored (or was it grey) Chanel. Annie Lennox helped America better imagine what Clay Aiken would look like in an evening gown. Jamie Lee Curtis had the most visible breasts of all the women, not bad for a rumored hermaphrodite. America’s newly blond sweetheart, Julia Roberts, looked like a pretty woman in her brown gown. Jude Law is balding. Sting should leave his family at home. Diane Keaton wore her penguin Halloween costume, again.
The show eventually started. It was packed full of surprises. Billy Crystal hosted, and then sang! Billy Crystal then told a whole bunch of industry insider jokes that worked fabulously at alienating the other billion people who were neither nominated nor sitting there. Renee Zellweger won. And then a bunch of other awards were awarded. Can you sense that it all became a blur after a while? Even with notes!
The two shining moments of the evening were both musical. The first was the Jack Black and Will Ferrell presentation for Best Song. Singing the words to walk-off music they play when presenters go on too long, they left the audience in stitches by chanting “you’re boring” over the orchestral swelling. Ferrell was then able to verbally slap Sting across the face by merely uttering his name in a mock epic tone.
The second highlight was the French performance for Best Song for The Triplets of Belleville. It was all pop colors and sequence. It was big, bubbly dance number in the middle of a show beset by boring speeches and Liv Tyler.
The end of the awards is supposed to be the most exciting part of the evening, with the awards for screenplays, director, actor and actress, and film, but thanks to the slew of awards given to LOTR earlier (days earlier) in the ceremony, it was easy to see where this was headed. Lord of the Rings, a movie nearly as long as the ceremony that fellated it, would proceed to win Best Adapted screenplay, director, film. Elijah Wood would hug his fellow hobbits, perhaps a little longer than appropriate in some cases, and Sophia Coppola would go home and sob lightly while stroking her father’s golden validation.
The only edge-of-your-seat moment came when the comely Nicole Kidman opened the envelope for Best Actor. The audience grew silent, wondering whether Billy Murry, Johnny Depp, or Sean Penn would be the happiest man in tinsel town. Turns out, Sean Penn won. Billy Murry looked like he was going to cry, and Johnny Depp looked relieved. How exciting.
Hopefully, next year’s Oscars won’t have the elements that made this year’s Oscars so unbearable to watch. n