By Chris Carvo
History usually uses the term “Red Scare” to classify two periods of our nation’s history. The first predates WWI, where leftists and socialists did some bang-up protest work to suppress the emerging “pro-war” opinions. This “scare” was more of a “startle,” and it gave American politics its chance to surge up in jingoistic patriotism, often involving physical abuse on communists, radicals and foreigners. This was actually good for our country since it gave us some time to take out our aggression. This continued our track record of zero-tolerance policies, which even today still remains unbroken.
The second “Red Scare” is the real Red Scare; an embarrassing moment in our nation’s history forgotten by selective memory. Only until recently has the American media reexamined the federal government’s own “iron curtain-like” policies of the ’50s. For a brush-up, check out “Good Night and Good Luck.” It was directed by George Clooney. He was in “From Dusk ‘Til Dawn.” So you know it’s good.
Officially (without corporate formality or any post of authority), I am declaring 2006 and any year that follows it the “Third Red Scare.” If you don’t agree I’ll libel you and make sure you never work in this town again.
The reason for this is China and North Korea. They are still around. They are big. They have a lot of crazy bastards who live there. They still practice totalitarian communism, and they do it well.
I’ll start with North Korea. They hate us. I feel like they sit around and wait for us to look at them so they can antagonize us and start a war. I call this “prison cafeteria politics.”
Along with this they’re smart. It took them no time to find out we were flirting with the idea of gearing up militarily to attack them in the future. Their intelligence department was so cocky about their findings, they press-released everything they knew to the Associated Press. Here we are sneaking around, keeping secrets and North Korea shined a flash light on us and threatened to let out the dogs. We basically just handed them a reason to justify a nuclear weapons program.
In an article carried by every Korean paper in the North and South it read ”Under the current tense situation, the nuclear deterrent force of our republic effectively contributes to guaranteeing peace and safety of our republic … (We) will make every effort to solidify our self-defense force.”
“Yawn,” you say. “Korea has been trying to get nuclear weapons for ages. No one will sell nukes to them.” Oh contraire! Have you perchance noticed North Korea’s greatest ally is China?
It’s only the world’s foreign independent investment leader in global trade. For proof, turn your iPod around and notice that it wasn’t assembled in Flint, Michigan.
Other feathers in China’s tourist bucket hat are its population rate (many men, many soldiers), its enforced 24-month military service obligation and its renowned source of methamphetamine. In China, you’re born with a MAK-90 in one hand and a 200 mg dose in the other.
A sore subject between the two countries seems to be “religious freedom.” Remember President Bush’s latest visit to China? He stood on the steps of a governmental Protestant church in Beijing and tried to convert an entire people with his gospel antics. The only “religious freedom” advocated by Bush was his own and the Chinese leaders took offense to such improvising.
Some think tensions between China and the United States were cooled by their partnership in human rights campaigns. This is partially true, but this is the only real joint venture outside of business that the two countries have partnered up on. Bilateral constructive cooperation aside, they are Venom to our Spiderman. Still a thorny subject, recently China criticized U.S. human rights violations stating that “American military abused prisoners held at multiple detention centers.” Is it getting cold in here or is it just me?
Strengthening its Communist Party strangle-hold, China reinstated its oldest political tool-required study groups with Maoist styled overtones.
On March 9, The New York Times reported, “For 14 months and counting, the party’s 70 million rank-and-file members have been ordered to read speeches by Mao and Deng Xiaoping, as well as the numbing treatise of 17,000-plus words that is the party constitution.”
Cool! Very retro! In response, I am pushing to restore ’50’s-like American Cold-War techniques to freeze our Chinese counterparts, while hoping to actively influence our own citizens on the horrors of Communism.
First up is re-establishing the House of Un-American Activities Committee. Our first amendment will be to put anyone studying karate behind bars.
Second is redrafting a Hollywood blacklist. That Corey Affleck is definitely a communist. Look at the way he grows his moustache!
Third is an Arms Race. I don’t care if we already lead arms production, we need more. Turn every crummy Ford factory into a weapons plant. That will give the auto-economy that much needed boost.
Fourth and finally is cinematic propaganda. My vision involves Randy Quaid as Uncle Sam. He flies to China where he discovers evil scientists making a bird-flu version of the computer. He drops the bomb. Peace and love ensue. Cue the “National Anthem.”