By Silence Doless

Something lives in my shower. What, I’m not exactly sure; all I know is that it smells terrible. I call it the Unseen Gross-Looking Shower-Scum Monster from Mars, or U.G.L.S.S.M.M. for short (pronounced Ug-el-sim). Why from Mars? Because it wouldn’t sound as good if the abbreviation was U.G.L.S.S.M. This retched beast has made a mess of my bathroom, sliming up everything from the toilet to the floor to the other toilet, which actually used to be a sink until it got slimed (damn you Nick-elodeon!)

I’m sure you’ve all had a similar situation with your bathroom: brown film on the tiles, pink rings inside the toilet bowl, dirty dishes piled around the hair-flecked sink. If your bathroom has never looked like that, you’re either female or you live at home. For the rest of us who populate the University’s dorms, we must deal with the terror that is U.G.L.S.S.M.M. on a daily basis. Every morning we wake up and take a pee, a shower and wash our hands, yet all the while there is an inexplicable sense of uneasiness that gnaws at our stomachs-and every once in a while creeping chill wriggles down our spines, as if we’re being watched.

Now, I know very little about the muck in my shower. In fact, if I was to appear on some new quiz show that tests your knowledge on the gross things you find in your bathroom called, “Ugh, What Is That?” I doubt I would make it past the first round. However I do know that all monsters have one weakness: heroes (no, not the TV series). I’m talking about guys like Achilles and Thor and Batman. Seems obvious, right? But that’s exactly what your gross shower needs. Various bald men may disagree and give long speeches about hygiene and cleanliness (i.e. Mr. Clean and your Dad), but trust me; all they want to do is sell you cleaning products (that is, if your Dad is a Mr. Clean salesmen). So the best way to take care of your stinky leviathan is a hero.

There are several different ways to go about this. First, you could become one yourself. This option is only for the most difficult; as you’ll have to perform some grueling physical challenge to prove your worthiness. These challenges range from being chased though a subterranean labyrinth by a bloodthirsty Minotaur, to obtaining some colorful gem from the top of a sheer-faced volcano. So basically, unless you fancy yourself the most physically fit person in the world with an amazing knack for finding subterranean labyrinths and gem-topped volcanoes, you probably shouldn’t try to become a hero.

Your second and best option is to hire a hero. Sure they’re expensive and hard to find (try a volcano), but they get the job done. And by “they get the job done” I mean they take their swords and slice your bathroom clean in half. This violates several Hofstra health and safety regulations, not the least of which is “No crazy @#$%ers with swords after eleven,” but at least something no longer lives in your shower. The only problem is that now something has died in your shower, which could very well be worse than whatever lived there. So what is it that lived there? What exactly is an U.G.L.S.S.M.M.? How did they evolve? What is their purpose in life? The world may never know, but I hear they’re from Mars.

The Mysterious and outlaw-ish Silence Doless (Andy McCarthy)