By Silence Doless

I have the pleasure of bringing your attention to something of vital importance in today’s modern society: celebrities.

Celebrities make our world turn. You think I’m being metaphorical, but the world literally would not spin unless Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it every morning (It’s an old joke…but it’s true). So you see, celebrities have an extreme amount of power. The very fact that they’re popular alone grants them immediate perks. For instance, when Miley Cyrus first hit it big with “Hannah Montana” she instantly developed telekinesis. She now throws tractor trailers in the air with her mind in between tapings.

Obviously, celebrity and power walk hand in hand. If someone is popular, that person becomes powerful. Hofstra itself is proof of this. The most powerful and popular person on campus is the one and only President Rabinowitz. His ruggedly shrimpy swagger has earned him a near legendary rock star status with the student body, the entirety of which hangs off every passionate line of his latest memorandums. If there’s one example of both power and popularity here at Hofstra, it’s President Rabinowitz.

But can we give our celebrities too much power? Is it safe to let a bunch of privileged people run around with supernatural abilities? Could even our common-good minded leader abuse his power? The short answer is no. However the long answer is yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Not only does it give stars free reign to flex their every whim, celebrity also overshadows other important, if not more important, figures of the time. For instance, in the early ’90s all the Nirvana hype overshadowed the Pixies, who were, I’m sorry, simply a better band. In fact, this phenomenon is so common, that Hollywood is making a movie about it in grand holiday sequel tradition, this time for Easter. The film stars Vince Vaughn, and it’s called Bob Christ, a comedy of holy (sh*t did Doless just say that?) proportions about Jesus Christ’s lesser known younger brother (sh*t, he said that too!). He too was an important religious leader, but was forever playing catch-up to his older brother. Like any younger brother, Bob was always trying to mimic everything Jesus did, but never managed to have the same effect. For instance, he turned water into grape juice, cured a pepper instead of a leper and at his second to last supper, broke bread and told his disciples it was his left leg.

Despite Bob’s struggles to be recognized, the movie is cheerful and funny (which should offset all the religious fanatics in the theater, who will be hateful and angry), depicting the hilarious antics of the two brothers. However the movie only scratches the surface of a deeper issue. Was the Bible fair to Bob? Sure, Jesus may have been the better miracle-man, but Bob had many talents worthy of note. For instance, he could play the kazoo better than anyone in Judea. Everyone who heard him play at Jesus’ Bar Mitzvah swore he was the messiah…or at least capable of making it to the national competitions. Sadly, this extraordinary film has been completely overshadowed by “Horton Hears A Who.”

So now that I’ve offended at least half of you (one, two, three…three people?), I urge you all to consider that whoever you make popular, you give power. This is an inevitable part of our culture, but I ask you to think about to whom you want to give that power. After you’ve considered carefully, I’d want you to give it to me. Silence Doless needs invisibility for when all the religious fanatics hunt him down.