By Sara Kay

I’d like to take this opportunity to make a shout out to my favorite type of person.

This type of person is so much more than just a person; she’s the perfect example of what not to be in public. You know her all too well, because she’s at every social gathering-every bar, every club, every weekend dinner and certainly every rowdy drinking night in a dorm room.

Not sure if you’ve seen her? She’s an easy breed to spot. Damp, puke-ridden hair, normally worn down but if she has good enough aim, it’s dangling from that pony tail. Eyes are going all cross and legs look like Jell-o. You know her as drunken b*atch, you know her as the girl you wish you didn’t know, that’s right folks! She’s…”That Girl!”

It’s impossible not to be familiar with That Girl. If you went to a bar or a party this weekend and didn’t happen to run into That Girl while you were there, than you are hanging out with the wrong people.

Okay, we all know a That Girl. She’s fun when she’s sober, and my God, she is an embarrassment when she’s hammered. The question is, what do you think of That Girl when she’s in her usual state of triflin’? Do you think she’s a good person because she’s your comedy relief on a Friday night? Or do you think she’s a horrible person since she’s always mooching off your drinks and sloppily making out with every boy, or girl, at the bar?

Me? I can’t get enough of That Girl. She’s who I would aspire to be if I was an alcoholic and I wanted to change everything about myself except my drinking habits.

Even though I love to laugh at That Girl and use her for many jokes throughout the night, I also feel a little bad for her. She’s just trying to live her life. And so what if she doesn’t know that six shots of vodka don’t mix well with meatloaf?

Now that we all know who That Girl is, it’s important to know how to avoid becoming “That girl.”

Step One: eat something before drinking. Preferably not something too spicy or rich. Try a sandwich or a burger, just something. If you go out on an empty stomach, you’re going to be the girl who gets to the bar and the first thing you say is “Oh my God I haven’t eaten anything like, all day! I’m going to get soooo wasted!” And then you just sound like an asshole. So shut up, and digest.

Step Two: if you weigh less than 120 pounds, sweet lord, put that eighth shot of whiskey down. There’s nothing I hate more than skinny Kate Moss-look-alikes, who can’t understand why they’re puking up their barely-lunch after a full night of Long Island iced teas. And also can’t understand what’s so bad about weighing 99 pounds and chugging 10 beers at a time like she’s practicing for the fraternity keg stand competition. Drink in moderation. You will still get drunk without taking the bottle of vodka to your face.

Step Three: when looking at the drink menu at a bar, take a good look at the name of the drink you’re about to order, before you order it. If it has some cute little name like, Washington apple, or screaming orgasm, then you should be okay. But if it has a name a little more intimidating, like the Devil’s candy, or anti-freeze, tread cautiously. Chances are, it’s mostly hard liquor with a dash of mixer. If you think you have the tolerance, then go for it. If you think you have the tolerance for six of them in the span of 30 minutes, you are lying to yourself.

So here’s to you, That Girl. I guess she deserves a shout out because she’s so wrong, she’s almost right. Sometimes she’s a reliable drinking buddy, other times you’re the sober one while she’s 15 beers deep and covered in liquor and tears. Nobody wants to be around her, but somehow we all end up standing next to the bar while our friend is dancing on top of it to “The Thong Song.” Take a tip from me, or from any experience you’ve ever had with That Girl before you decide to enter into that case race: if you don’t like puke in your hair or having to ask “Who is this guy in my bed?” then don’t, please don’t, be “That girl.”

Sara Kay is a junior print journalism student. You may e-mail her at [email protected].