By Matt Napolitano, Humor Columnist
In honor of King James’ return to torches and pitchforks…I mean, Cleveland, I felt the need to evaluate the work I have done so far.
I mean, what should I do? Should I admit that I’ve made mistakes? Should I admit that Simon Riddiough never really turned his players into gold? Should I admit that Kyle Arrington isn’t really missing?
Should I remind you that I’ve done this before? Should I give you a driving lesson? Should I remind you not to stop at any green lights on Hempstead Turnpike?
What should I do? Should I say it’s not fun to make jokes about professional athletes who I don’t know and could probably beat me to a bloody pulp?
Should I say that Tom Brady plans to wear a mini skirt along with his Uggs on Monday night?
What should I do? Should I really believe I ruined my legacy like a coach whose overuse of hair gel could have plugged the spill in the gulf? Should I have my @Coach_Cassara tattoo removed? I already replaced my I heart Billy Wagner tat on my lower back.
Should I sell you the truth? I mean, come on, without mistresses and golf club beatings, Tiger Woods is not so interesting. And Brad Childress is out of a job, unless he finds work as a Stanley Tucci stunt double. What should I do?
I am not a role model. And if I am your role model, find another role model. Hi Chuck! Seriously, what should I do? Should I tell you that I did it for the money? And by money, I mean, the glory. And by the glory, I mean, something to do in my spare time other than sit in my sweatpants and watch TMZ.
Should I be what you want to be? Funny? HAHA…no. Should I accept my role as the villain, the freshman who transfers to an Atlantic 10 school? Maybe I should just disappear, and re-appear several years later in a Snickers commercial and become America’s Sweetheart?
Should I stop listening to my editors? They’re my editors. Should I try acting? Just like students should be able to act like fans. Give them a break, they’re the fans. Let them show their pride.
Should I make my next article a haiku…Washington is tall. I mean, really f***ing tall. Big as Rex is wide.
Let’s have a g**damn snack. Should I hit delete and start over? After all, this article is pretty dull and I could make a great career writing Cosmo quizzes. Is your man a stud or a dud?
What should I do? Indecision makes me sleepy. Maybe I should just bash Taylor Swift or Matt Lauer in the next article. Seems to be paying off for Kanye.