Satire: Lactose intolerant people should become more tolerant
In a world full of cancel culture where we rain hate down on celebrities for their smallest transgressions, we forget to criticize one particular group of discriminatory individuals: those who cancel culture of the nutritious variety – the lactose intolerants.
This group of individuals scorns the delicious taste of dairy by forcing everyone else in the world to deal with the annoying, overly involved question of “Would you like whole, skim, almond, oat, soy or coconut milk?” How often is a highly-anticipated order of coffee delayed because the person in line ahead had to customize an otherwise perfectly balanced Starbucks drink with an unnecessarily complicated milk substitution?
Even worse, some people have to change their mealtime plans because their lactose intolerant companion decide to make things difficult: no pizza, no mac and cheese, no yogurt – nothing! It’s almost as if they don’t want to eat anything that tastes good.
Forcing friends to eliminate restaurant options and stay away from ice cream parlors is a far cry from the welcoming, accepting world that we hope to build today. It’s impossible to gain an appreciation for the diverse flavors of the world when the mere notion of consuming dairy sends some people spiraling straight to the bathroom. We need to break down the stigma surrounding dairy to create a more well-rounded and inclusive food consumption environment.
Firstly, we must call attention to the fact that the fear of intestinal issues due to lactose consumption is a fear that fails to account for our current location. A college campus provides a plethora of public bathrooms to occupy for hours on end. The solution to the aftermath of eating dairy is just a few buildings, floors or streets away, at most.
Secondly, there are clear physical benefits to consuming dairy. After a mind-numbing day of sitting in classes or at the computer doing homework, there is no better way to feel alive than feeling that twinge in your stomach after drinking a milkshake from HofUSA. It is a great way to invigorate the senses and kick-start the body’s various immune systems (the digestive tract in particular) into action without turning to alternatives like pre-workout or caffeine.
Thirdly, it’s obvious that people who are lactose intolerant are failing to consider that consuming dairy can be a huge boost to their public reputation. When lactose intolerants insist on not taking advantage of dairy’s nutrition for the body, they forget that being seen in public popping nondescript pills (lactase or otherwise) will certainly get them street credentials ... with Public Safety, a residence assistant or the local drug dealer.
Clearly, the lactose intolerant’s refusal to expand their world view is interfering with a more comprehensive understanding of society. To truly appreciate life’s many flavors, they must be willing to give dairy another chance on the menu.
The reality is that lactose is an inescapable part of life, and people who are lactose intolerant need to broaden their world view and embrace the endless bounds of a dairy consumer’s lifestyle.
