By Elliott Bell
I thought I could ignore it. Maybe turning my back to it for enough time would make it just go away. But after two years of refusing to accept its presence in the sports world I couldn’t take it anymore, and I caved. That is why this column is about poker. (Go ahead and cringe, I am.)
Since we’re only about a year away from ESPN 2 showing poker 24 hours a day, I figured it was time to buck up and learn something. Lucky for me, there was a plethora of people in my building that were more than willing to help me learn the game…and take my money.
It was time for me to “play the board; bluff on a belly-buster; go all-in on American Airlines;” and find out what the hell those things mean. Really, I have no idea.
Anyway, I walked into the room and noticed two things instantly.
One, there wasn’t a girl in sight, which I would learn is common for these guys on Thursday nights.
And two, everyone seemed to be staring at me, which I soon realized was them just thinking about how they would spend my money.
Trying to act confidently, I saddled up to the board.
“This must be ‘stud poker’ now that I am here,” I said. No one laughed, so I assumed they just didn’t hear me and I said it again. Silence. This wasn’t going well.
Finally it was time. After all the chips were distributed, and then after everyone explained to me that the only chips at the table would be poker chips, the cards were dealt and it was game time.
Here in no particular order are some of the more memorable moments from the night.
*All the guys discussed nicknames. At first they didn’t seem too interested, but I explained that since everyone on TV has them, so should they. Evan decided that he wanted to be called “the flopper,” because the cards he wants always come on the flop. When I told my girlfriend, Beth, his nickname she said she didn’t understand. Sadly, neither did I. Jeff wanted to go by the name “Big Diamonds” and Andrew was losing so badly he just wanted to be left alone.
The last member of the game, Dan, couldn’t come up with a name, so I called him “The Russian” since he was checking so much. Checking…Chechen. What? No good? Eh.
*I folded the first five hands figuring I wasn’t losing any money. Then after being dealt two cards with faces, I figured it was time I got into the game. I raised the pot with some colored chips and sat back ready to tango with the cardsharks.
Well, believe it or not everyone else folded. I remarked that they were all rather smart, getting out like that. To which Dan replied, “After not playing the first five hands, you stood out like a boner in sweat pants.” God I love poker lingo.
*It’s never a good idea to leave the table. At one point, Evan left the table to go to the bathroom, and everyone agreed that they thought he fought with his girlfriend way too much. I would have taken his chips, but that’s against the poker code. But it is okay to put down his old lady. Poker just keeps getting better.
*At one point, everyone “oooo’d” and “ahhhhh’d” at the site of all four of the 5’s on the table. I didn’t know what the big deal was, but apparently it was very rare to have all four of a certain card on the table at once. Then I regretted folding my two aces when two more came out in the flop. At this point I started to wish I knew more about poker.
*It turns out the universal symbol for checking is a knock on the table. I tried to make the game more fun by knocking out of turn or whenever I felt like it. No one else thought that was making the game more fun, as indicated with the we-are-going-to-kick-your-ass look I got. Maybe I am the only one who found it funny to see a bunch of guys continuously knocking on a table. Update: Still no girls in the room.
In the end, I finished third out of five. It felt pretty good to beat two guys who do this type of thing every week. I realized that in the game of poker, there are no second and third place – there are just a winner and a bunch of losers.
Just ask Andrew Heine about his post-game thoughts.
“I suck. That’s it. I suck,” he said. You can’t get locker room talk like that anywhere else.
Overall, it was a rather enjoyable experience. Sure, there were no girls, I had to sit elbow to elbow with a bunch of guys for a couple hours and everyone usually laughed at whatever I did, but they weren’t laughing with me. Popping my poker cherry was an experience to remember.
Will I start watching poker on ESPN anytime soon? Since it’s not a real sport, I wouldn’t “bet” on it. Okay, I officially suck. Now, if you excuse me, I have to go watch the National Spelling Bee on ESPN 2.
A royal flush is a sure bet in Texas Hold ´em (Photo Courtesy www.online-gambling-poker-4u.com)