By Erica Erotica

In one of the last episodes of “Desperate Housewives,” Teri Hatcher makes it pretty clear (if not by her slutty clothes then by her even more slutty lingerie) to her boyfriend that she wants to do him at that very moment. But, instead of going for the passionate tongue war she wanted, he kisses her goodbye on the forehead. For a woman as sexually frustrated as she was, what the hell did that mean?

Since my last few columns have been a little negative (break-ups and such), I thought a fun and lighthearted topic such as kissing would be good to write about. Now, to save your perverted imaginations from wandering off, we are sticking to kisses on the facial region. Much to my guy friends’ dismay, the face does not include any areas below the neck.

Beginning with what many considered as the least affectionate types, kisses on the cheek and woodpecker kisses (peck on the lips) were judged as the most generic and universal of all types. These kisses can mean that the person likes you as more than just a friend, but can sometimes leave a trail of ambiguity, as a friend learned the hard way.

A friend told me that she once lost a chance with a girl because of the cheek kiss. After a few dates, the girl had only ever kissed her on the cheek and my friend had taken it that she only wanted to be friends. Three weeks later when my friend and she wondered what had happened, they both realized that they both had different meanings about the kisses.

Both the guys and the ladies agreed that there’s a “certain kind of adoring cuteness” when partners kiss on the nose. The ladies stated that their partners are usually just being cute, while the guys said it gets “exciting because then you’re slowly getting closer to the mouth.” Another similar type is a kiss on the forehead.

A girl friend stated that she imagined her and a partner lying down, facing each other. “It’s simply the best,” she said. “It means that he loves you, but in a really respectful kind of way. You’re comfortable enough not to be making out all the time.”

However, some of the guys I spoke to thought that forehead kisses are like a “pity kiss.” It’s like when a person is just saying good luck at something or you’re rushing, one of them said. “I don’t see any feeling in it.”

Speaking of feelings, everyone I talked to said that French kissing is the most passionate and the deepest of all types. A friend stated that it either meant that the person “really likes you a lot” or “wants to f**k you,” although it’s not always the case. Another girl friend expressed that this could be frustrating at times.

“I really enjoy tongue in my mouth, but sometimes, that’s all I want,” she said. There was one time when a guy became upset at her because she wouldn’t do it with him afterwards. It’s a lot of fun, she continued, but it doesn’t always mean sex.

A guy interjected and commented that the best way to know if both people want to have sex is by lip sucking (as long as there are no black and blue lips afterwards). Everyone agreed that this was “so f-g hot” and has a clear message that your partner “wants to get into your pants.”

Of course, there are some kisses we want to avoid altogether. An overwhelming majority voted that lick kissing is gross. “My worst kissing experience is when a girl licked my face,” a guy friend said. “She opened her mouth really wide and started kissing and I was like, what the hell are you doing?”

Another negative experience was when a girl friend’s tongue was bit. The guy was too aggressive and pushed too hard, she said. Either the person is inexperienced or someone taught the person the wrong way. Either way, she stated that it “hurt like hell.” There’s also what the ladies labeled the “dog kiss.” If your partner needs to stop and wipe her mouth every two seconds, you need to slow down your tongue.

Scenarios and preferences make a big difference as well, but a friend said essentially it is all about compatibility. “If you’re with someone, you have to be compatible in kissing,” she said. “You have to mesh. You’re not going to enjoy it if you don’t mesh.”