By Alana Pelosi
With all of the teams on the road, the sports section has racked up its own title as it has been crowned the most useless section of the Chronicle. Again. With very little to report on and case races being called into question as to whether they are actually a sport, the verdict is that the sports section is in a bit of a predicament. So in a plea to all nine of our readers; please compete. Here are some bright ideas:
Most appearances on live television. Thousands of cameramen and reporters of greater importance than ourselves will be perusing the campus in search of that one shining Hofstra student (who really belongs at NYU, but is stuck here after a fat scholarship) to utter a formulaically profound statement. So run out there and tell as many reporters as you can that you believe the debate really helped you cast your vote in this historic election and see how many times you can get that ugly mug of yours on the small screen.
Best picture of a candidate. …Or anyone of consequence for that matter. Understandably a picture of John McCain or Barack Obama is a bit stretchy, but we can settle for a photo of any Fox or NBC reporter. If it is clear enough to see some crows feet then there is another point for the tally.*
The big sleep. A little tired Tuesday night? Perhaps with no class on Wednesday you can sleep the day away into Thursday. Many a student has laid claim before that they can sleep more than anyone, but there has never been a clear cut slob. This challenge may very well be the true test of stamina. Or lack thereof. While you may very well become a waste of life in the process, it’s a guarantee all of your friends will be awestruck.
Oh, and for all the real “die-hard” athletes looking to actually break a sweat, there is going to be a democrat verse republican sports competition on October 12. Very few have a clue as to what it is really about, but hell, go out there and show ’em what you got.
Will there be championships rings, the popping of Cristal and tickertape parades in honor of the victors? No way. Absolutely not. There probably will not even be any coverage in the subsequent issues of the Chronicle. Rather, all the winners get is the privilege to hold their heads a little bit higher, and isn’t that all that really matters?
*Be advised that in order to ensure campus wide safety, security is at an all time high. Therefore do not do anything that can get your sorry ass laid out by a 280 lb .member of the secret service that rivals Mathias Kiwanuka.