By By Rob N. LeDonne

In the long, diverse history of the United States there have been few people who compare to Martha Stewart. She is smart, like Einstein; clever, like Henry Ford and has the criminal background of Charles Manson. Well, she wasn’t charged with the severity of the crimes he was, but she has been to jail

Before Stewart, no one cared about being “crafty” or “proper.” She is the mother of those things. You should have seen the way people acted before she came along. Could anyone have imagined such a person would be arrested and spend time in the slammer? To fully understand this enigma, and learn more about what makes her tick, I went to the one place where I knew I could get honest, solid answers-the Internet.

I punched in her name on the keyboard, clicked search and 17,800,000 results came up. I sifted through some of them and made my way to the biography on her official site. The first sentence proudly points out, “Martha Stewart shares the creative principles and practical ideas that have made her America’s most trusted guide to stylish living.” In other words, she’s better than you. Way better. Don’t even try to top her. Just don’t. The paragraph continues, “Inspiration surrounded Martha at an early age.” Okay, now we’re just getting cocky. To say she is better than you is one thing, but to say she was better than you while she was still in diapers, is a whole other story. The biography also mentions Martha was a model in her younger years. Whoa! Did anyone know this? It’s almost like saying Saddam Hussein was once a nun. It’s possible, but not too likely.

I stopped reading her biography around the time I read the phrase, “remarkable talent and originality.” I learned Martha has approximately 79 different televisions shows airing around the world every single day, including a fishing show in Iceland. In an effort to be more like the God known as Oprah, Martha got her own talk show, where she chats up A-List stars like Carnie Wilson and Kermit the Frog. Martha is also trying to be like Donald “I’m-too-sexy-for-a-haircut” Trump, hosting her own show that is just like Trump’s “The Apprentice,” which is called “The Apprentice.” Clever, no?

The explanation for why she has had so much exposure lately is one simple reason-she went to jail and you did not. How come when famous people go to jail they get book, television and movie deals, but when your Uncle Jim gets out of the joint, all he can get is a job at a diner. This is not fair. Aren’t there laws against how much money felons can make from their crimes? There must be.

Sadly, even though I don’t think its right for her to benefit from her stint in jail, I must admit I watch her show almost every morning on NBC. If you aren’t into crafts, or cooking or anything else she is talking about, you still get sucked in. It’s like the Weather Channel, where even though you don’t need to know about the weather, you watch it.

There is a warming quality about her that reminds me of a fresh baked pumpkin pie…that’s been to prison. So the next time you see good ole Stewart, remember she’s probably better than you at what your doing when you are watching her, but unlike you, she’s been to jail–just like Charles Manson. n