By Elliott Bell

I admit it; I am a “Saved by the Bell” junkie. I just can’t get enough of it. The few people who read my column know very well about my little obsession. Anytime the opportunity presents itself, and even times when it doesn’t, I slip in “Saved by the Bell” comments or analogies.

Today, I am devoting this column to my one true love in life (My girlfriend, parents and stamp collection aren’t going to enjoy that last sentence). The motivation for this article comes from my dear friend Cassie Goldberg.

Cassie, like most students, has never read my column. So, as I do with most people I meet, I forced her to read everything I have ever written. After reading about 10 articles and laughing twice, she looked at me and said, “You like to mention Saved by the Bell a lot. It’s like your secret crush.”

Well, that’s when it hit me. “Saved by the Bell” is no secret crush. The world should know of my whole-hearted love for “Saved By The Bell.” Maybe other people can’t come out of the closet and admit it, but today I am. And there is no better way to do it than by counting down the top 15 sports moments in “Saved by the Bell” history. Here’s to you Zach, A.C, Kelly, Jessie, Lisa and Screech.

15. “Dancing to the Max” (First aired Aug. 20, 1989): In this episode we first see one of Zach’s greatest weaknesses. He can’t dance. Naturally, Slater, his arch-rival, can dance like a Backstreet Boy and wins Kelly’s companionship to contest. Zach ends up with Jessie and, in a strange twist of fate, Lisa goes with Screech. (It is a strange twist because Lisa twists her ankle, causing her original partner to bail on her). Of course Screech and Lisa steal the “Miracle at the Max,” winning the competition. A guest appearance by Casey Kasem bumps this one into the top 15.

14. “Cream for a Day” (First aired on Oct. 7, 1989): Two things stand out in this one. First, Kelly becomes homecoming queen despite pimple medicine that turns her face maroon. That’s bull. That would never happen in real life. In fact, I asked this school’s 2003-2004 homecoming queen, Danielle Masiano, if that was possible. She looked at me for a while trying to figure out if I was crazy. Someone like me daring to speak to someone as beautiful as her is unlikely, but I bet if she actually spoke to me she would have agreed. Second, Slater leads Bayside to the victory over Valley, which dominated the Tigers for years. You’ve got to love that.

13. “My Boyfriend’s Back” (First aired on Oct. 5, 1991): While short lived, the Malibu Sands episodes left us with many great moments. This is one for the guys. Ever had to deal with an ex-boyfriend? Stacy’s ex-boyfriend shows up and essentially B-slaps Zach by trying to pin Stacy. Who wrote this? Is this the 50s? Anyway, to see who has bigger “stones” Zach goes against the ex-boyfriend in an ATV race. Zach ends up losing, but winning the girl. Only Zach could pull that off. (Sub-note: Jesse, in an attempt to further the women’s movement, entered the race against Slater’s warnings. She ends up driving her ATV into the ocean. Oh, that Jesse.)

12. NumberS 12 and nine are moments from “Saved by the Bell: The College Years.” I refuse to acknowledge that these episodes actually exist. Basically, the show went against too many things that happened in the regular show and I will never get over it. However, two pretty cool sports moments came out of the college years. I will mention them, but not give them the respect I have given the other 13 moments. Number 12: Zach dates a tennis player. I am convinced there are no female athletes hotter than tennis players, and Zach knows that. What a man.

11. “Student-Teacher Week” First aired on Sept. 12, 1992: This episode put all the dumb jock stereotypes to the test. Literally. What happens when student-teacher Kelly gives the football team a test that they must pass in order to play against Valley? The answer is hilarity. Only here do you see a football player named Ox tell the teacher that WWI and WWII equal WWIII. My biggest question in all this is Kelly. Here she is claiming she would love to become a teacher one day, and then in the college years she tells Zach how badly she wants to be a doctor. Well, which is it Kelly? Did anyone else notice this?

10. “Wrestling with the Future” First aired on Oct. 10, 1992: A.C. finds out that Iowa, one of the top schools for wrestling, is prepared to offer him a full scholarship. Iowa’s head coach walks into the Max without ever meeting Slater before and in a one-minute meeting tells A.C. the good news and immediately leaves. Sure. But Slater’s dad wants A.C. to go to West Point instead. I am confused here. Shouldn’t he be proud that his son has excelled at such a manly sport? I mean rolling around on a sweaty mat groping at another guy in a similar one-piece spandex outfit…oh. Luckily, it all works out and Major Slater accepts that his son is just going to be one of the best wrestlers in the country.

9. Zach and Slater help their RA Mike Golic train for one more shot at playing in the NFL. You had to wonder how long the producers would go without cashing in on having and ex-NFL star on the show.

8. “Check Your Mate” (First aired on Oct. 5, 1992): Many of you may argue with this one. How does an episode about chess crack the top ten on such a prestigious sports list? To be honest I am not sure either. But you can’t ignore an episode where Dustin Diamond (Screech) gets to kiss Tori Spelling (Violet). Do you think Tori still gets crap for that from her friends? And how much do you want to bet Diamond is still bragging to anyone that will listen to him.

7. “Pinned to the Mat” (First aired on Oct. 14, 1989): Does it get any better than Slater choosing between wrestling and baking a cake? I never thought I would get to write that sentence, but in this episode that is exactly what happened. The great moment of this episode is the wrestling match between Slater and the other top wrestler in the state – Marvin Nedick. The match-up was billed as two warriors. For most of the episode Slater decides to become a chef and give up wrestling. In the end he follows his heart, which leads to the big showdown that lasts a total of 10 seconds. Slater does one move and the massive Nedick is done. What is that?

6. “The Will” (First aired on Oct. 24, 1992): I could talk about how the men took on the ladies in a best-of-three events competition for the rights to $10,000, but instead I want to focus on the moment in this episode that shocked me for life. At the dance to announce the winners of the competition Zack looks at Torrie lustfully and proclaims how much he wants to be with her. Now hold up. I can make the leap and believe a lot of things in this show. Things like never having to go to class, being best friends with the principal and learning a new and valuable lesson each week. But if they expect me to believe that the lady killer himself, Zach “I bagged Kelly Kawpowski” Morris, thought the ugliest girl in the history of television looked hot, then I just can’t take anymore.

5. “Zack’s War” (First aired on Sept. 15, 1990): As a punishment Zach is forced by Mr. Belding to join the army corps program at school. Naturally, the rest of the gang joins; probably because they can’t think for themselves. Yada yada yada, Zach takes a team of nerdy misfits and turns them into a winning squad against the team of jocks headed by A.C. My favorite moment comes at the end when Screech races through the obstacle course against a dude who beat him every time prior. And what happens? Screech barely wins and takes the guy’s girl. That’s hot. It’s nice to see Screech win at something other than a chess match or science fair.

4. “The Game” (First aired on Sept. 21, 1991)

I have a lot of issues with this episode, but I put it in the top five for two reasons: one, as a shout out to my girlfriend who played volleyball, and two, so I could mention the fact that I have a girlfriend. And I touch her. Moving on, the gang is competing in a volleyball game against a rival summer club. Zach has some vested interest in the game because if the team wins then he gets Mr. Carosi’s car. In a surprise upset, they win and Zach takes the car. Side note: did anyone else notice how hot Jessie looked in her bikini. This was just her way of saying, “Yeah, Showgirls, is only a few years away.”

3. “Running Zach” (First aired on Nov. 24, 1990)

Alright, so Zach is a track star. Who knew? Anyway, this episode opened my eyes to Native Americans. I had no idea they were as cool as Chief Henry. I find it rather sad that Chief Henry had to die though. Couldn’t we have had a happier ending? Maybe something like Zach wins the race and then he the Chief go out to get ice cream and pick out puppies.

2. “Hold me Tight” (First aired on Nov. 23, 1991)

This was the big women’s movement episode. A girl on the wrestling team, and more, she is good. I liked this one because we got to see a girl in spandex. And if you know me, you know I like girls in spandex. Zach naturally has to get his hands on the new meat, but is scared off when he realizes Kristi is stronger than him. I never understood that. If I had a girl with Kristi’s strength I would take her around to ever kid that ever teased me and have her lay the business down on them. But that’s me.

1. “Operation Zach” (First aired on Sept. 28, 1991)

Wow, if you made it this far I salute you. I am pretty sure my mom stopped reading around number seven, and she gave birth to me. Anyway, “Operation Zach” made it to the top of the list for two reasons. First, you have to love the absurdity of Zach being a huge basketball star out of nowhere. Still, the hopes of winning the state title hang on his skinny shoulders. The writers could have thrown in an episode or two where we see Zach going to practice or at least holding a basketball. Nothing. The other reason I put this number one has to do with personal reasons. As a child growing up playing sports, you never think about injuries. This episode was my wake-up call. If Zach Morris can be injured, than really anyone can. Sadly, my junior year in high school I shattered my leg playing soccer and required surgery. I don’t want to admit it, but I kind of felt cool in my hospital bed because for the first time in my life I was like Zach. Ugh.

There you have it folks. Please comment on the list. I look forward to all or any e-mails. Please, please, please e-mail me. But I am not desperate or anything. My dad always told me I was wasting my time by watching Saved by the Bell over and over again. Well, I just wrote a 2000 plus word article about it. How about them apples, dad?

If you would like to comment or criticize Elliott´s article, kissing style or both you can reach him at [email protected].