By Michael Gleason
Seeing Paris Hilton get killed on celluloid is perhaps the most cathartic moment on film thus far this year. Certainly, most have yearned for the heiress’ demise ever since her misadventures in night-vision. Unfortunately, that scene is engulfed entirely in this mediocre gore-fest. Nothing else in this movie is worth seeing; it is all a schlocky collection of grisly killings.
The setup to this movie is so worn that it’s threadbare; a group of sexy, young teenagers (bet you’ve never heard that one) are on their way to a college football game, but are stranded in a backwoods town. The teens include Hilton, Elisha Cuthbert and Chad Michael Murray. While there, they are terrorized by a psychotic set of twins (both played by Brian Van Holt) that are fixated on turning everyone they meet into wax sculptures (some convoluted motive is given for their actions, but it is nonsensical). However, this “plot” is merely a barebones setup to point out the killers and the victims as quickly as possible and move on; there are only the two sides, no tricky moral ambiguities or real twists. So, the audience settles in for the requisite series of murders, and, once again, audiences are challenged as to how much belief they can suspend.
Unfortunately, suspense is not this film’s strong point. The only suspense is guessing the order in which the characters will meet their gory fates. Scares are boldly announced with blaring music. The only mileage this film gets is from the gross-out factor, as there are a series of sequences that can get very, bloody. The visceral thrill is all this movie can provide, and it bilks those thrills shamelessly. It is the grisly illustrations of death that prevent this movie from being utterly unwatchable. Certainly, these scenes can get uncomfortable, but there’s nothing in the lame cohort of teens that connects with the audience. Every character is such an obvious caricature that they hardly seem human and thus the film’s slayings, supposed to engender a feeling of horror, instead elicit indifference. The teens, at moments, are so breathtakingly stupid that they pretty much kill themselves. Frankly, barging randomly into eerie houses and examining gruesome tools is not the best strategy for survival.
The film does have its moments of levity. A moment where Ms. Hilton is captured unaware on camera draws out laughs. This little wink at the camera is to ensure the audience that the film is self-aware, and that the camp factor of the film is, in fact, intentional. However, this film is not campy enough to be satiric, and the rest of the film is grim and serious enough to remove any potential joy at the proceedings. Being self-referential, unfortunately, is useless without a sense of humor.
Perhaps is it somewhat odd to critique the acting in a movie with Paris Hilton, but the actors, without any good material to work with, do try their best. They at least make an attempt at trying to convince the audience that they are terrified and that they are trying to survive. Cuthbert at least gives a reasonable impersonation of a real character.
House of Wax, then, is trapped with the fate of being a simply horrible movie. There is really no plot, no empathy for the characters, no sense of suspense and no real reason for all the slayings. It’s loud, obvious and dumb. Perhaps the potential of viewing Paris Hilton’s untimely demise is enough to draw in crowds, but it is simply too much movie to sit through to get to that one moment.
Final Grade: D+