By Lauren F. McCullogh

I don’t know if anyone’s been reading the news lately, but things are looking pretty bad for the good ole U.S. of A. The economy is slumping, public schools are failing and the top officials of Tyco and Enron are still free men. Things in Iraq have gone from terrible to unthinkably horrific. American contractors and military officials are being killed by the dozens and the Iraqis who were supposed to embrace American “liberators” are now hunkering down for a long and bloody fight. Many European allies are pulling their troops out of Iraq, further proof that things can only get worse in the region.

Many men (and a woman) are to blame for all of this, but one man will take the fall – George W. Bush. As if being fired wasn’t bad enough, this soon-to-be ex-President is in for a rude awakening. The job market stinks! Yeah, the Bush family has options. Sure, Laura could go back to the library, but as any middle-class American knows, it’s pretty tough to feed a family on one income. The pressure’s on, George; seven months and counting…

On the positive side, George never really had a career to begin with. He has always been a drifter, which may seem lame, but it gives him a lot of options in his new job hunt. He seems to like the outdoors, judging from all the time he spends at his Crawford ranch. I would suggest joining a rodeo, but he’s not really one for personal risk. No, something a little more low-key is probably a better option.

Perhaps he could apply for a job with The National Park Service. Actually, I heard that the Gates of the Arctic National Park in Alaska is looking for some full-time employees. Yes, George could soon be a protector of the Park’s 7,253,888 acres, located close to the frigid Arctic National Wildlife Reserve. This really seems like a perfect match… but… oh… doesn’t George strongly support drilling in that very Reserve? Hmm… on second thought, maybe this isn’t the job for him.

No bother, I just read that Dell is looking to hire new technical support phone operators for their New Delhi location. True, it would be a bit of a commute, but I’m sure George has loads of frequent flyer miles stored up. This job could be a match – George is a real trouble-shooter. He’d be perfect – I can see it now:

George: “Dude, thanks for calling Dell. I’ll take your question.”

Dell Owner: “Hi, ok, you see, my printer won’t print. I tried jiggling the cables around and restarting the computer, but I just keep getting an error message. What do you think should I do?”

George: “Hmm… heh heh heh… that sounds tricky. Well, I would first, try turning your monitor off and on again. Then go to your display settings and adjust the brightness settings. That should make things easier to read.”

Dell Owner: “But what does that have to do with my printer?”

George: “Well, you see, heh heh heh, if you turn the monitor off and on again and then bring up the display settings…”

Dell Owner: “You’re avoiding my question. Your answer has nothing to do with anything I asked you! What are you hiding?!?”

George: “I’m sorry. That’s all the time we have for questions today. Thanks for calling.”

Alas, I forgot about his troubles with listening comprehension. No, Dell Tech Support is not the right place for our ex-President.

George likes God. Actually, he really likes God. He likes God so much that I could really see him working at the local fundamentalist Christian Bible Camp. As a Bible Camp Counselor, George would be able to further all of the work he’s already done while President, namely teaching youth about abstinence and more abstinence. He could teach campers about all the sins in the world, namely homosexuality. This seems like a perfect fit. But Bible Camp is only held in the summer. What would he do for the rest of the year? Go on unemployment? He’s no welfare-queen!

Most ex-Presidents stay in the public eye after they leave the White House. Some become motivational speakers, others spend most of their time trying to accomplish humanitarian goals. George isn’t motivational and he’s really not concerned with world hunger. But he could finally come out of the closet and work openly for Clear Channel

Communications Inc. He’d be the perfect key-note speaker for all of the right wing Clear Channel-sponsored rallies. Of all the jobs, this seems like the most obvious choice, but I suppose a knack for public speaking would be a prerequisite for the job “public speaker.” And since we’ve seen that Bush has trouble pronouncing words like “nuclear” and even has a tendency to make up words like “misfeance” for “malfeasance,” he’s kind of a long shot. No one says a Clear Channel employee has to be smart, but a general command of the English language is probably a requirement.

This is grim. The way things are looking, poor Laura will have to pull double-duty at the library. The Bush family doesn’t have any other options and gosh darn it, the kids have to eat and drink b-soda. That will be a tough conversation: “Barbara, Jenna, Mom’s going to go back to the library. Why, you ask? Well… kids, I’m not going to mince words. Dad is not hirable.”

I guess after November, George will have nothing to do but lay around the ranch in sweats and a holey t-shirt. He’ll be unemployed and bored out of his mediocre mind…

Though I hear the Texas National Guard is looking for volunteers.